Acceptance

I have one week left here in Arizona before we are leaving for home. The bottom line is: I don't want to go! As I write this I realize I am living in the future instead of "today". Maybe if I focus on the "present moment" the time, one day at a time, will seem longer. There are a lot of things to do before we leave. There is a lot of packing. It seems like we take everything but the "kitchen sink". It is difficult to stay in the "present moment" though when I am packing for something that is going to happen next week. Also, I know that I don't do change very well. We have been here for three months which is a long time and I am settled in. I have my AA groups I go to, my church and friends. I am an artist and have joined a professional organization here and have been accepted in a gallery here. I have put roots down in the community.

How can I work my program in this situation? I am powerless over time passing. I will be grateful for the wonderful time I have had here and I will "feel" the emotions I am experiencing regarding my leaving and I will get back to living one daty at a time.

Now, it's not like I don't have a wonderful life back in Milwaukee for I do. My grandchildren are all there as our my children. I have very close relationships with all of them and I really do look forward to seeing them. I have friends there and my AA group(s) is there. From keeping in touch with them I know that they are all looking forward to my coming back. My artist friends are there and my church is there. So, I have a lot going there as well.

The Casita I have rented here is very nice but my home back in Milwaukee is much larger and it is nicer. My studio is there and I really look forward to getting back to it for I am painting in a corner of the dining area here. The two things I really miss here (give a drum role!) are my icemaker and my garbage disposal. I will never take them for granted again. Especially the garbage disposal, haha!

We will get back to Milwaukee the middle of April and, hopefully, it should start getting nice by then. I look forward to buying my traditional pot of Pansy's to put on my patio to and start planning what flowers I will plant in the many flower pots I have (I container garden.)

Even after the many years I have been sober, at times, I still have difficulty accepting life on life's terms but, now that I have written this I feel better about everything (I always do!). And, I know I will be back to Arizona next year.

We're more alike than we are different

My wife and I (also a member of AA) recently had the good fortune to spend some time visiting America's Southwest again - kind of like a winter getaway.
We were hosted by friends who lavished us with good food, good times, all kinds of day-trips, and lots and lots of love.

We also attended a lot of meetings. You know how the saying goes, "Meeting Makers make it!" I love going to meetings, especially when I'm away from home.
Initially, I was again struck by the roughness of the language that was being used, in fact I was somewhat appalled. This comment should be amusing to those who know me from "when"
because there was a time I prided myself on my ability to turn a perfectly good phrase totally blue, and revel in the discomfort of those around me. Today it's different.
In any case, I resisted the temptation to chastise those around me, and instead tried to concentrate on the positives, to identify and not compare. And lo and behold I once again came away seeing how we in AA are all more alike than we are different.
How we follow the same 12 steps. How we believe in a God as we understand him. How we strive on a daily basis to stay sober. How we show compassion and love to the newcomer who so desperately needs our help.

Perhaps looking at the desert landscape helped me. At first glance everything appears monochromatic, barren, harsh. However spending even just a short time experiencing the desert - walking around, observing, smelling - one sees the beauty of God's handiwork there in the flora and fauna just bursting with life and color! And yes, I even saw blue.

Happy Valley

Happy Valley Falls has been a favorite day trip for me for several years. I hope to hike to it at least once this spring, before the hot weather sets in. It's located on a country dirt road a few miles from Benson, Arizona.

Now then, my garden is generally doing great, except for the beautiful potato plants that have clusters of buds that have just been sitting there for nearly two weeks; they're not opening. Hmmm....

How come when something like that happens to my plans, I at first try to find the "reason" and fix it, but fairly quickly turn it over as another life mystery, hoping for what I want, but not losing any sleep, because I can't control the situation. If I could react this serenely to the things that happen to ME on a fairly regular basis, I'd be "in the catbird's seat" instead of wasting precious time fretting. The sun did exactly what I wanted it to today, without any help from me. Nice, eh?

"Came To Believe"

This is my third try at getting this blog posted. I don't know what I did but both previous ones are lost somewhere in cyberspace. With a touch of my finger they was gone. But I have patience so am trying again.
At two of the meetings I have gone to this week the subject was "Came To Believe". It brought back memories of my own spiritual awakening. When new in recovery I did know that God was my only hope to restore me to sanity. I knew I couldn't do it. I worked the third step over and over but it seemed like nothing happened. My mind was whirling obsessively with thoughts that didn't seem to stop. I think that I didn't realize that my spiritual experience had happened because I was unable to quiet myself enough to be open to God coming into my life. So many AA's have dramatic experiences and I longed to have one, too. But, my spiritual awaking was loving, gentle and quiet. Once I recognized that God was in my life it totally changed. I saw Him everywhere at every turn of my life. Today I have a close relationship with God. I see His presence in my day to day life. I found that my relationship with God is one that I need to build just like any relationship I have with people in my life. I seek to know Him better through prayer, meditation, talking with others who are on the same journey and reading. Today, I see and experience Him daily in my life. Instead of believing in "Coincidences" I believe in "God-incidences". This new attitude really helped me to see He is activily working in my life. My life today is rich in love, peace and joy!

"Ism"

Today I had the courage to step on the scale. I wasn't surprised. I knew I had gained weight while here in Arizona. Now, what does this have to do with Alcoholism? It does because even though I am not drinking I still am an Alcoholic. The "ism" is still in my life. It is with me 24-7. In this situation it reared it's ugly head and after weighing myself I started beating myself up and being angry with myself. This is nonproductive! In sobriety I learned to be a responsible person. This includes my body. When I was drinking I abused it with alcohol. Today I try to take care of it. This includes eatting healthfully, exercising, getting physicals when I am supposed to and going to the dentist, etc. I think I left the first two back in Milwaukee. I honestly appraised the situation and I don't think I am using food as a drug. I think it is simply that because we eat out here more than at home in Milwaukee and the fact that there is just too much good food here. Now, what do I do about this? I still am not sure. Well, I do know . . . eat less. It really is simple but as an Alcoholic I am complicating the whole thing making it insurmountable in my mind. Also, I guess I am not ready to commit to it yet. So, for a starter I am praying that I will become "willing" to commit to a "diet". I will also work the program with this admitting I am powerless and that my life is unmanageable. I will focus on believing that a power greater than myselt, whom I choose to call God, will restore me to sanity. And, I will turn this problem over to the care of God. In the mean time I will love myself and accept life on life's terms. I am thankful that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a " program for living" and that, in addition to my Alcoholism, is there for me to use for all the challenges I face in my life.

Stress, Anxiety And "Stinking Thinking"

I went to my meeting last night and talked about this subject and felt better about it all by the time I left the meeting. As the saying goes "You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.". But, here it is morning and the same stress and anxiety is back.
I am an artist, a gift I never developed when I was drinking. I was such a perfectionist that I wouldn't do "anything" because I knew I couldn't do it "perfectly". I can no longer measure my success by the standards of the world. Today, I am a success because I am doing whatever it is. I have become "effort oriented and not "results oriented". My perfectionism when I was drinking was crippling but because of the Program I, today, can do things. I have had some success in my career as an artist. I have sold enough paintings to cover my expenses . . . some years. (They don't call us starving artist's for nothing.)
Today, I am getting paintings ready to ship to a gallery in Wisconsin where I live and am waiting news of my being accepted (or not) into a gallery here in Tucson. It is the first time in my career as an artist that I have had two things going simultaneously.
Now, you might ask why I am blogging about this? Because I am anxious about both situations and my negative thinking is driving me nuts! Will the gallery in Wisconsin like my paintings? Will I get accepted into the gallery here in Tucson? What if they don't? What if I don't get accepted? And, round and round and round my thoughts go. I think it is what we call "stinking thinking"! I am also walking around saying the slogans . . . "Let go and let God!" and the Promises: "We will soon realize God is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves." and "We will do the next right thing and leave the outcome to God." and, "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us." And, I am talking about it with you. I feel like a war is going on in my head. Right now the "stinking thinking" is winning. But, I will keep doing what I am doing because I know the Program works.
The program of Alcoholics Anonymous, in addition to keeping me sober, is a program for living. In it are all the solutions to whatever problems and challenges I might encounter in life. Right now I am saying to myself that this what I must do is . . . apply the 12 Steps to these situations. 1. "Admit I am powerless over whether I get into the gallery here in Tucson and I am powerless over whether the gallery in Wisconsin actually likes my paintings once they see them in person. 2. "Came to believe that a power greater than myself will restore me to sanity (right thinking and anxiety-free.)". and 3. "Make a decision to turn my life (and art) over to the care of God as I understand Him."
I am also saying the "Serenity Prayer" over and over. " . . . accept the things I cannot change." I can't control either of these situations " . . . courage to change the things I can." The bottom line is my attitude. And, " . . . the wisdom to know the difference."
I think, or should say I know, what I am suffering from is fear and insecurity. I need to focus on the "present moment" and take it "One day at a time." Things will turn out. Maybe not the way I want but the way they are supposed to be.
There, thanks for helping me feel better about these situations and I will let you know what happens.

Passport to Happiness

A cliche, but I want to talk about getting my passport and how daily use of the AA program is essential to my well-being.

This story involves TWO birth certificates, the one published on my birth day, inhospital, and the one I just bought from the state of Minnesota health department.

The original certificate is in mint condition; I confidently took it with my pix and application and $ to my appointed meeting at the post office two weeks ago; I was totally prepared. The pleasant postal worker opened my folder, took a glance at the birth certificate and kind of moaned, "Oh, I should have warned you, hospital birth certificates can't be used to get passports; you need a certified certificate from the state of your birth." My response could never be described as a mere moan. I was way beyond surprised; I went immediately into incensed and, with pulse rising, responded, "If this one isn't any good, why have I been taking such care of it all these years?" Employee said, "You sure have taken good care of it, and those little footprints are still perfect." I was in no mood for his gentle kindness, and barely got out of his office without having to do a tenth step on the spot.

On the way home, I steamed for a mile or so, declaring I just wouldn't get a passport. I don't have anywhere to go that requires one now, anyway. And...then...fairly shortly...I began returning to sanity (the steps have helped me learn to do this). I called the Minnesota office, was forthright and pleasant, was told it would take 4-6 weeks to process my request, and readily paid $45 extra to get the paperwork expedited, not caring that I have no travel plans, but wanting to get this over with. Then, I fairly calmly went on with my life.

Only four days later, a fellow worker brought me a packet from Fed Ex, saying I was probably going to get upset when I saw it. It was an overnite express delivery from Minn; it was soggy wet and crinkled. I pulled out the "official" birth certificate, breathed deeply, sighed, ironed it and took it to the post office, where it was welcomed with open arms. It didn't look nearly as nice as my pristine hospital one with blue ink foot prints, but it was what the authorities wanted.

Even if I never get to travel where my passport is required, I have already used it to move from an exhausting paddling upstream trip to a serene cruise with the current. Owlclover like this pictured doesn't require a passport to see if one is a US citizen. It grows in the ditches on the highway to Kitt Peak in "good wildflower springs."

Prioritizing

(3/18/84)
"Thank you for confiding in me about your bad time. I feel like you allow me to see the whole person who is you. I know I can't take any of it away, but I also know, when I had troubles, talking to you helped to put them in perspective. Once I was able to identify all of the problems, resentments, or fears and label them properly, then I could look them dead in the eye and they diminished in size. I found when I got into one of those nagging, rotten times, If I listed (actually wrote down) all of the things bothering me, then prioritized them starting with the most critical, it helped me to see what I needed to deal with first. The other things could wait.

When you said you felt nothing, I understood how that was. Sometimes when I jam my circuits with too much, I get immobilized. It seems to be my rational brain saying, "Wait a minute!" (That is new since being in The [AA] Program. Previously I would scramble in fourty directions botching everything.) Sometimes it lasts for longer that others, but once I get straight in my head what I have to do first, it all falls into place. I am not saying that all goes necessarily to my liking, but it does proceed without panic. It is the panic I can't handle."
from HOOT 'N GIN pg. 157