When I finally reached that time in my life to put up or shut up regarding my my ability to stop drinking using my will power, I was stunned to find it wouldn't work. My older recovering brother told me the hope was in AA. His life was totally changed and he was happy. Reluctantly I decided to give it a try. One of the first things I heard was that I had to change everything but my name. That sounded way overboard. There was nothing wrong with me except I drank too much. I was a good guy; I just spent too much money on alcohol and my health was slipping. I thought, just tell me the secret of how to stop drinking and I will be back to my good guy self. I was sure my head was clear and I saw the world in a realistic way. My denial wouldn't let me see the fallacy of that thinking. It is hard to see things with much clarity from a barstool and life viewed from a barroom is skewed at best.
My vision began to clear over time in the Program, but it was hard to admit that I, not the world, needed to change. I started noticing thngs that had always existed but I had been too preoccupied with self to see. The abundance of flowers comes to mind. Suddenly everyone seemed to be growing quantities of bright flowers. Without shame or fear of ridicule I stopped people in the street to ask, "Where are all the flowers coming from? Is this some national beautification project of Nancy Regan's (then current president's wife) that everyone is supposed to participate in?" When I remember those days I have to laugh at myself. I was a stranger in a brand new land.
Fast forward to last Saturday, April 3, 2010. Virginia and I and Sue and Kathy hiked a trail in Catalina State Park, Arizona to view an amazing wildflower display. After walking about an hour into the park we came upon hillsides exploding with color. A glorious panarama of yellows, oranges, pinks, purples, blues and white. I could only be grateful for the privelege to be surrounded by such grandure. Some beautification project, alright! I am grateful for the brand new road I trudge far beyond that helpless, hopeless view from a barstool of eons ago.
