Letting Go

I went to a family party yesterday and I'm still struggling with letting go. It reminds me of one of the reasons I drank - to bury pain deep down inside. Now that I'm in AA, I have to deal with the raw, painful reminder of why I stopped going around certain individuals in my family. I feel I'm slowly getting better but noticing how sick some of my family seems to me. Especially how some individual perceptions remind me of what I was before coming into AA. I was told there are “NO bad examples.” Speaking of "no bad examples"...My brother graduated from AA many years ago and I'm told he can have an occasional cocktail. I'm still shaking my head and trying to understand. However, I don't think I will ever understand and need to “live and let live.” I've talked to my sponsor but I'm still replaying (over and over)the events of yesterday and why so and so perceived this and that. I know what I'm supposed to do but why won’t I just do it – let go. I'm rambling and will end here. I'm heading to a meeting w/ a friend - Thank God for AA!

Struggling in Ohio

HAPPY NEW YEAR

New Years, 2010. That reads like the comic books I was addicted to, when as a kid many of my friendships were based on the pile of comics you owned rather than your personality. 2010 was light-years away. Mysterious, a place where people walked on the moon, shot each other with ray guns, and communicated by sending their image and talking directly through a machine. X-ray vision and robots to do your bidding. This year, my daughter-in-law got a robotic machine for Christmas that rolls around her house and cleans her floors while she is at work. She calls it Cecile. But is any of this any more fantastic than an alcoholic happily living a life without a drink? Not for this alcoholic.

Alcohol was my coping mechanism. It overcame my shyness and made me able to talk and dance and compete with the life of the party. It constructed a reality that had little to do with real life. It told me I was a little above living life by the rules normal people ordered their life by. Then alcohol became a trickster. One day I woke up and I could not account for the last 10 years of my life and I could see no future. Suicide seemed the only option and I attended my first 12 Step Meeting only because a friend begged me to try it first.

Had I acted on my impulse, I would have missed the most beautiful years of my life. When I walked through the doors of that meeting I found hope in each greeting. I was told if I did not like who I was, I could change and become someone else. It never occurred to me that it was possible to shape myself into a new person.. I thought I was born a certain way and would always remain so. Not only did the program show me the way to change through the Steps, but it gave me living examples to follow, and friends to cheer me on. The process was not easy; it took commitment on my part and time, but the rewards in repaired relationships, friends, and a life
full of more possibilities than I could ever have dreamed, is priceless.

Michael and I usually leave the roads to the amateur on New Year's Eve and take silly pictures of ourselves in front of the TV as they do the count-down, toasting in the new year with sparkling pomegranate juice. Some of those pictures look very much like the old days, but we remember taking them and do not wake up with a hangover. This year we are going to a Sober New Year's Eve Party to celebrate with other sober alcoholics this miracle of reclaimed life and on the first day of 2010 we are celebrating with more friends, having a sober AA Picnic at a local park. To all our friends we are with in spirit if not in body, we wish you a serene and Happy New Year,... even if you don't own a comic book.)

My Toolbox

I watched this little cutie several minutes before aiming my camera through the front windshield. A dear program friend and I were exploring the North Rim a few Octobers ago. It snowed throughout the day, and I was sitting in our suv waiting for Martha to tromp out of the trees and join me. Several bluebirds were working the area, but this one sat still, all fluffed up in the chill.

Now then, to the here and present moment. I'm asking for gifts (and please don't bother wrapping them). My AA toolbox has quite a few nifty and simple-to- use things in it, but I definitely have room for more. AND, I want some help polishing the old standbys. So...what is your favorite, most worn tool for living life on life's terms, especially these holiday season terms we're facing? You know the one; even when maybe you can't pull it out all the time, you definitely know the one.

Monday, November 30, 2009
Thoughts for Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is the start of the holiday season for me. I become very emotional this time of year because I get lost in the large (loud) family gatherings, hate the commercialization, etc. This is also a time of "great" reflection to the Thanksgiving's of the past. I'm feeling torn today - a part of me is feeling great because of AA and the other brings me right back to the lonely isolated times of drinking. This will be my first sober Thanksgiving and the fear, expectations, etc. of the past can consume me if I let it. One thing I've learned from AA is to prepare myself. I know my stinking thinking so it's time to armor and immerse myself in AA. I am so thankful for AA to help me "live life on life's terms" and to keep it one day at time. I know I will struggle but with the tools of AA in my belt I can only succeed.
Thankful in Ohio!

Todays' the Day!

It's 5 am. Thanksgiving morning. I've been awake since 3. My Doctor told me yesterday I could start putting weight on my foot. With the stern warning "as tolerated and only in the house". I'm sure you can figure out the rest!
Pat and I are spending the day at home alone for the fist time in years. Since we moved to Ohio we usually go out,to an AA friends or to our friend Lisa's (who has kind of adopted us over the years and opened her heart and home to us).
Since I'm incapacitated Pat's doing all the work. I won't bore you with the menu but here's a sample: Smoked Salmon, Crab Cakes, Beef....Oh! and home made French Silk Pie.
I wanted to wish all of you a Happy, Sober Thanksgiving and include a little gratitude list as a reminder. So here goes...

Aside from all the usual Sobriety,Higher Power relationship, roof over my head.

1. A husband who is not only my best friend but my HERO. Who makes so many sacrifices,and keeps me safe from myself when I don't even know it at the time.

2.Friends who are not afraid to tell me the truth.

3. A Sponsor who with gentle guidance over the years has helped me through the darkest time in my life.

4.The Steps of AA for allowing me to accept my mothers illness and let her not only be a 3 year old but to be MY 3 year old.

5. Time : I have lots of it these days. I am able to give it away to many girls in the fellowship.

6. Timmy : even when we don't see each other for awhile we keep each other on the straight and narrow. We're truly blessed in our relationship.

7.My brothers' new daughter. Pat and I were asked to be her guardians in the case of a catastrophic incident.

8.Most of all Freedom! Freedom from bondage of self, free to become the woman I can and want to be, free to be the friend I would want for me, the sister, the wife, the daughter,the example.

Thanks for letting me be a part of today instead of looking in from the outside. Big change for someone like me.
Funny thing is I'm grateful everyday I wake up on this side of the grass and every night I don't take a drink with the help of my H.P.
Smile it's good for you!

Thank You, Thanksgiving

A November sunrise along a stream in the White Mountains northeast of Tucson, during an annual brush clearing burn.

My family is scattered widely throughout the U.S. and Canada, and my 96-yr-old Dad and I go it alone for the holidays now. Last week when I was getting groceries, I paused at the bin of turkies, but didn't hoist one into my basket. My head was saying, "You just can't do this anymore...cook a turkey and all the trimmings for two people to consume a couple of slices and one leg and a scoop of this and that. The tears didn't roll, but they were poised as I got in my car and headed home. No more than a mile along, my cell phone chirped and it was my Dad's number. I thought about not answering, because I was driving, but I can't ignore his calls, ever. It was Sharrie, a gal who helps caregive for him in his home. She asked what he and I were doing for Thanksgiving, and I replied that it was looking like we'd have the traditional Thanksgiving bacon and eggs. She laughed and asked us to join her family, and you bet I said yes, yes. After about 40 years of being the official turkey cooker, I didn't even have to pass the torch. It is done.
Thank you to AA for giving me the tools to live life on life's terms and to be welcomed and invited and included....

A Dose of Humility

Since I have nothing else to do I figured I'd post again. Unusual for me!
Yesterday I went to my regular BB meeting and as God would have it we were reading Step 9 starting with the section about how we have to make direct amends. A mumbled apology will not satisfy. The line that got me! What also stuck out was the spiritual part that we must stand on our feet, we do not crawl before Anyone and that our main purpose is to be of service to others. Several people shared on the promises that start to come if we are thorough as well.
Since I got sick in 2002 I have had nothing but time to give to others and my sponsor has told me time and again it's a blessing to be of service to others! I rarely ask others to be of service to me.
I'm still laid up form my surgery. I'm not only on crutches and can barely walk but I can't drive either. I've had several doctors' appts. the last week or so and have a few more coming up. I also need to get to my meetings. I think you can guess where this is going.
At the same time my sponsor left the state for the winter so I needed to get a winter sponsor. Man oh man! Talk about piling it on!
So here is where the training comes in.....
I asked for help!!!!!!
I actually lined up a ride here and a ride there trading a cup of coffee and some fellowship for a lift to the doc or a meeting.
I lined up a winter sponsor so there's no lag time. I am one of those who should not be without guidance!
The thing that amazes me most is at the meeting yesterday a woman came up to me and told me she felt she was a bad AA friend because she hadn't picked me up for anything yet! Little does she know she's getting a call this morning!
Just because I've been sober for a long time now does not mean I don't have to practice some humility, swallow my pride (the I can do it myself attitude) and ask for help. Being laid up is a good reminder forceful of that.
Thanks God, and Thanks AA for teaching me H.O.W.
HJ&F in Ohio

Who says there's no meeting bank?????

I had major surgery a few days ago. The Doctor removed a joint implant the was put in about a year and a half ago. Go figure that an alcoholic would have an allergic reaction to the material! So aside from the pain factor I was told I'd have to be non weight bearing for the next 4 weeks. I hate crutches.
I'm one of those who are blessed to be able to get to at least one meeting every day. When I was working I only made about 5 a week. I look at meetings as my gas station. I fill up as often as possible. If I can't get to one at least I know my tank is pretty full.
Till today it had been 4 whole days since I'd been to a meeting. Thankfully I had been making regular deposits in my meeting bank so I was able to draw on those to keep my sanity. When my friend Helen picked me up today I hobbled out to the car,into the meeting and refilled.
I firmly believe that I have a meeting bank and never know which meeting will carry me through that rough spot so I better keep going to as many as I can.
PS. Since it's gratitude month Thanks to All of my fellow Alcoholics for keeping me sober One Day At A Time
Have a Happy Thanksgiving

A LESSON RE-LEARNED FROM OUR GPS

Last Christmas our grandkids gave us a GPS, thinking it would aid our travels. Michael and I looked at each other, saying, " What are we gonna do with this? How long have we lived without one and get around just fine!" With a closed mind, and a few glances at the manual, we made a couple half-hearted attempts to start it and decided the darn thing didn't work anyway.
Dutifully we displayed it in the car when we went back east; not that we used it, but as a visual testimony of appreciation of the gift. When one of Michael's nephews asked how we liked it and told us how much he used his, we had to confess that we didn't think it worked. He looked at it, tapped the screen a few times, and said, "There, you just didn't have the fweeewww activated. It tells you all about it in the manual."

Shortly thereafter we set a destination in an unfamiliar city on the GPS and to our astonishment a little figure of our car crawled along the highways on the screen and a reassuring voice told us, "In .03 miles turn left onto U.S Route 20." At one point Michael decided he didn't like that route and defiantlyturned onto another road. Patiently the voice said, "Recalculating route,"and started giving new directions. Before we knew it we arrived at our destination without a hitch. For the next few trips we intentionally made wrong turns trying to confound the thing, but each time it calmly redirected us. Often we mused on how a machine could keep track of millions of cars going their million ways and still know where we should make our next turn. Eventually we gave up trying to figure it out and now we just rely on its directions being the best choice.

Laughingly we decided the process evolved a lot like our introduction to AA. At first we were suspicious of AA's ability to better our life. We avoided reading the instructions (the Big Book) and couldn't believe The Program would show us the way out of our misery. Often we defiently went our own route and found it took far longer to get to a state of peace than it did for others who followed The Steps as suggested. When we asked for help, got a sponsor, and stopped trying to figure out how The Program works, or our Higher Power, it has worked just fine.

Hello to our friends in the East. We drove many miles through snow so we got our taste of winter, and today thought of you all as we sat by the pool enjoying extended summer.

Carrying the Message

Yesterday morning I went to a "new" meeting for me, a 7:30a.m. early risers group, and wow...there were THREE people whom I remember from my very first days of AA, when I was getting to meetings, but drinking inbetween. I couldn't remember a thing those fellow travelers had shared, but I vividly recalled the feeling of welcome and hope they gave.

I told them this, and all four of us grinned with joy, as I let them know it took nearly five years before I could get sober in AA, but that it did happen, the promises did appear, and here I am, carrying the message of recovery. How great, also, that there were two newcomers there, not free of alcohol yet, but coming to meetings. When I share my story, when I broadcast it like a handful of grain, I have to remember that it is freely scattered, and that I have no idea who will hear what, if anything, but that hopefully those newcomers in my presence will absorb the message of hope I now have.

My "job" is to keep showing up and helping to carry the message, so that our awesome program can continue to flow like this stream in Madera Canyon.