Beautification Project

When I finally reached that time in my life to put up or shut up regarding my my ability to stop drinking using my will power, I was stunned to find it wouldn't work. My older recovering brother told me the hope was in AA. His life was totally changed and he was happy. Reluctantly I decided to give it a try. One of the first things I heard was that I had to change everything but my name. That sounded way overboard. There was nothing wrong with me except I drank too much. I was a good guy; I just spent too much money on alcohol and my health was slipping. I thought, just tell me the secret of how to stop drinking and I will be back to my good guy self. I was sure my head was clear and I saw the world in a realistic way. My denial wouldn't let me see the fallacy of that thinking. It is hard to see things with much clarity from a barstool and life viewed from a barroom is skewed at best.

My vision began to clear over time in the Program, but it was hard to admit that I, not the world, needed to change. I started noticing thngs that had always existed but I had been too preoccupied with self to see. The abundance of flowers comes to mind. Suddenly everyone seemed to be growing quantities of bright flowers. Without shame or fear of ridicule I stopped people in the street to ask, "Where are all the flowers coming from? Is this some national beautification project of Nancy Regan's (then current president's wife) that everyone is supposed to participate in?" When I remember those days I have to laugh at myself. I was a stranger in a brand new land.

Fast forward to last Saturday, April 3, 2010. Virginia and I and Sue and Kathy hiked a trail in Catalina State Park, Arizona to view an amazing wildflower display. After walking about an hour into the park we came upon hillsides exploding with color. A glorious panarama of yellows, oranges, pinks, purples, blues and white. I could only be grateful for the privelege to be surrounded by such grandure. Some beautification project, alright! I am grateful for the brand new road I trudge far beyond that helpless, hopeless view from a barstool of eons ago.

13 Miles

Last week I "carefully" recalled my mental map to Happy Valley Falls, a very special place to me near Tucson, but mostly known only to locals.

I described that the distance was about eight miles in, and that the road at one point crossed a shallow stream (or, does the stream cross the road?)For

my friends, who did trudge on and get to experience this desert grotto for themselves, it was 13 miles in and seven or eight stream crossings. Wow.

To me, this is the program; this is "how".

AA was freely given to me, and I was able to pass it on, to the best of my ability. However, my sobriety road map isn't EXACTLY like someone else's. As thoroughly as I can, I broadcast my message from my heart, from my recollections of my personal trip. My memories of trekking to the program come from my own experience, first hand, but they are only memories. Once again, I realize (yea, God) that I cannot get someone sober; I cannot carry them to Happy Valley Falls; I can only give them, freely, my best message and then it is up to them and their higher power to cross the one stream or the seven and to travel the eight miles or the 13, whatever is their trip, not mine.

Thank you AA for teaching me.

Thanks AA

I want to express my gratitude to AA and my Higher Power for 29 years of a brand new life.
On Feb 26 1981 I walked through the doors for the first time, full of doubt and arrogance, but I could feel the hope in the room and I stayed in spite of myself. Thank you AA and all my fellow travelers.
Last night at a meeting someone told how she felt when she got to AA. " When I got here I was living in Tucson, but was using a map of Phoenix." That about sums it up for me too. Lost!
Michael

Little Man in the Big Book

The changes that happen in the Big Book when I am not looking (that is, while my book is closed) never cease to amaze me. Is there a little man in there who goes about making up new material while I am not looking? You know, like the little man in the refrigerator who turns the light on and off. Case in point. Last night at a Big Book Meeting we were reading the story on page 421, "Window of Opportunity". I have read that story several times, but this time we read a sentence I have never seen before. It is on page 423, at the bottom. It says: "I realize how true it is that one of the primary differences between alcoholics and non-alcoholics is that non-alcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior. " How very true that is. have often thought that, but never put it into words that illustratees that difference so succinctly. How did I miss that?

I remember when I was attending graduate school , I always stopped at a bar after class to quench my thirst. One day as I looked into the mirror behind the bar, I thought, "This school gig is getting harder and harder. I have to do something about it. Either I have to stop drinking or I have to stop school . You guessed it; I stopped going to classes.

I am very grateful that today I can make choices in a new and sane way.
Michael N.

Promises

It's Sunday. I'm in Miami Beach, FL, and it is a beautiful place to be. My times for business were good and so was some time with friends, and the party atmosphere was everywhere and finally a little hard to take. I even met a new friend in the surroundings. However, they are all earth people and not an AA among 'em. Although I can't figure out how to post a photo (maybe that's a good thing because it is an image of striated blues of the ocean peppered with whitecaps and would make my fellow Ohioans jealous). With the help of my laptop and the hotel staff I made it to a Sunday noon meeting. The subject was PROMISES and a lead was given, and comments made afterwards just like at home. One of the comments mentioned the party atmosphere of Put-in-Bay, Ohio, being like that of South Florida and yours truly could relate. People greeted me as I entered the door of the Sober House, and I liked it. The fellow who put his hand out first told me about his experience, strength and hope and welcomed me "home" and "safe" from the outside influences. Together, we went over the first two words of Step One, something new for me, focusing on WE, of course, and then, ADMITTED. Have I admitted to my innermost self that I'm still obsessing about the drink and what other people are doing with it? Maybe not. At least not until today, when even after a few 24 hours in the program, I'm still obsessing. I called my sponsor and left a voice mail at this person's suggestion. I haven't heard back, yet, so maybe the voice mail was at the wrong number, or not received yet, as she is out of the area in the winter time, too. I liked being at AA today. I need to do that more. Promises, promises, I need to admit that I don't follow a program as well as I should do. I'm glad I'm here. Sun and a little warmth help move the sloth out of my system. And also, I wrote a poem for another group that I thought might apply here - maybe I can get the photo in now.

Lake Erie’s frozen over,

according to the news,

for the first time in fourteen years.

Although I have no memory of our shallow lake

last year,

I believe this report

and prepare to view

an icy glitter as my flight

departs.

It’s still dark; feels like jet lag and I

Remember anxiety and depression this time, last year.

Today, I experience an absence of fear.

Besides, as I proofread this, I’d already gotten out of there.

MEDITATION

A real winter in Arizona with record breaking, cool, wet days has sent Michael and me hiking in the surrounding mountain parks for our daily walks and meditations. Clouds and snow define the mountains' multiple crags and layers which are usually flatten to silhouettes against the bright Sapphire sky. Those mountains, drawn closer by a new perspective, seem to dwarf us as we walk the ridges and valleys of the foothills. Sounds are muffled except for the bright jingle of snow melt flowing in branching arteries through the dry river beds, locally called "washes" (an ironic name, I used to think, until I witnessed my first rainy season out here.) The beauty of these forces of nature remind us of our humble position in the long term of it all.

When I first came to "The Program" the concept of meditation was beyond me. How do you meditate? What positions to take and what "oohhhmmmm's" to say? And what good would it do anyway? Since childhood I had been familiar with daydreaming much to my teachers' annoyance, but meditation seemed much more formal and a lot more work than that. A person in the program I respected enough to ask suggested I just take a walk and try not to think about anything. What a concept when my troubled mind was racing constantly. At first I could only get a few moments of quiet in my mind; then I was off and racing again. When I complained to the person, she just said. "Practice." When later I told her it didn't work, she just said, "Patience." And finally the day a spontaneous thought came to my quiet mind and gave me an answer I needed, I excitedly ran to tell her and all she said was "It keeps getting better."

Today I can achieve that state of open-mind meditation walking among the snow bright mountains of Tucson or doing mindless acts like mowing the lawn in Cleveland or working in my garden. It feels very close to daydreaming except thoughts are generated by a force beyond me which today I am comfortable calling a Higher Power. Sometimes there are revelations, but generally meditation just brings a peaceful feeling that the the world and my life is unfolding just as it is supposed to and I do not need to understand all of it.

Moving Forward

Not sure where I'm going with this one, but I felt the need to check in.
I think I'll share my "Winter Sponsor" story.
My Sponsor leaves for the winter months for warmer climes. Leaving me to fend for myself for what seems to be forever. In actuality it's about 6 months. Used to be less, seems each year to get longer and longer. Her ultimate goal is to not be here in Ohio at all.
The first year I did not get a back up. I made it through pretty well as I have a great support group of women I can go to.
The following year, with prodding, I got a winter Sponsor and kept the same one for the following 2(?) years. Last year Sheila got sick and then had surgery so she was basically unavailable to me for many weeks so it was back to the support group, emails and phone calls to Arizona for Sponsorly support.
This year I decided to look for a replacement. So I started early, back in the spring I came up with a list of about 5 women with long term sobriety that I know well and would have liked to use as an interim Sponsor possibly leading to permanent when my Sponsor moves for good. Over the next few months for one reason or another they dropped like flies. So again I was back at square one.
One day I was at my regular Thurs. speaker meeting and Bob S. was speaking. No biggy. Until.... He said "I became a child of the night". From that point on he told my story. I couldn't believe it.
I stewed on his lead for a few weeks and then took my idea to my Sponsor. I asked her what she thought of my asking him to be my winter Sponsor. I totally expected her to say no way. But in typical spiritual fashion her answer was " He's a perfect match for you". I was flabbergasted to say the least.
So my next move was to explain the situation to Bob and then pose the question to him. I fully expected him to say yes right away. He did not! He said he'd consider it. That was in July. Thankfully I had time to find someone else if he decided not to accept me. Cut to the end... He finally said yes in early Oct.
Since then we've been working together. I've been making a concerted effort to call even when things are going ok. We meet once a week to talk and we're really getting to know one another on a more intimate level.
I've been asked by some people about having a male Sponsor, don't I feel like a hypocrite? You know men with the men etc. For me this is what works. I am well past the point of needing the pat on the fanny from anyone. I've been in a committed relationship for 19 sober years.
I believe in providence. Bob has already helped me more than he could know just by being who he is.
Now all I have to hope for is that Bob will say yes when I ask him to become my permanent Sponsor. I fear that my Sponsor will sell her house in Ohio this summer and bail on me for good. (notice it's all about me!!!)
Moving forward in the program is not always easy. Especially when it's not our idea to do so!

Letting Go

I went to a family party yesterday and I'm still struggling with letting go. It reminds me of one of the reasons I drank - to bury pain deep down inside. Now that I'm in AA, I have to deal with the raw, painful reminder of why I stopped going around certain individuals in my family. I feel I'm slowly getting better but noticing how sick some of my family seems to me. Especially how some individual perceptions remind me of what I was before coming into AA. I was told there are “NO bad examples.” Speaking of "no bad examples"...My brother graduated from AA many years ago and I'm told he can have an occasional cocktail. I'm still shaking my head and trying to understand. However, I don't think I will ever understand and need to “live and let live.” I've talked to my sponsor but I'm still replaying (over and over)the events of yesterday and why so and so perceived this and that. I know what I'm supposed to do but why won’t I just do it – let go. I'm rambling and will end here. I'm heading to a meeting w/ a friend - Thank God for AA!

Struggling in Ohio

HAPPY NEW YEAR

New Years, 2010. That reads like the comic books I was addicted to, when as a kid many of my friendships were based on the pile of comics you owned rather than your personality. 2010 was light-years away. Mysterious, a place where people walked on the moon, shot each other with ray guns, and communicated by sending their image and talking directly through a machine. X-ray vision and robots to do your bidding. This year, my daughter-in-law got a robotic machine for Christmas that rolls around her house and cleans her floors while she is at work. She calls it Cecile. But is any of this any more fantastic than an alcoholic happily living a life without a drink? Not for this alcoholic.

Alcohol was my coping mechanism. It overcame my shyness and made me able to talk and dance and compete with the life of the party. It constructed a reality that had little to do with real life. It told me I was a little above living life by the rules normal people ordered their life by. Then alcohol became a trickster. One day I woke up and I could not account for the last 10 years of my life and I could see no future. Suicide seemed the only option and I attended my first 12 Step Meeting only because a friend begged me to try it first.

Had I acted on my impulse, I would have missed the most beautiful years of my life. When I walked through the doors of that meeting I found hope in each greeting. I was told if I did not like who I was, I could change and become someone else. It never occurred to me that it was possible to shape myself into a new person.. I thought I was born a certain way and would always remain so. Not only did the program show me the way to change through the Steps, but it gave me living examples to follow, and friends to cheer me on. The process was not easy; it took commitment on my part and time, but the rewards in repaired relationships, friends, and a life
full of more possibilities than I could ever have dreamed, is priceless.

Michael and I usually leave the roads to the amateur on New Year's Eve and take silly pictures of ourselves in front of the TV as they do the count-down, toasting in the new year with sparkling pomegranate juice. Some of those pictures look very much like the old days, but we remember taking them and do not wake up with a hangover. This year we are going to a Sober New Year's Eve Party to celebrate with other sober alcoholics this miracle of reclaimed life and on the first day of 2010 we are celebrating with more friends, having a sober AA Picnic at a local park. To all our friends we are with in spirit if not in body, we wish you a serene and Happy New Year,... even if you don't own a comic book.)

My Toolbox

I watched this little cutie several minutes before aiming my camera through the front windshield. A dear program friend and I were exploring the North Rim a few Octobers ago. It snowed throughout the day, and I was sitting in our suv waiting for Martha to tromp out of the trees and join me. Several bluebirds were working the area, but this one sat still, all fluffed up in the chill.

Now then, to the here and present moment. I'm asking for gifts (and please don't bother wrapping them). My AA toolbox has quite a few nifty and simple-to- use things in it, but I definitely have room for more. AND, I want some help polishing the old standbys. So...what is your favorite, most worn tool for living life on life's terms, especially these holiday season terms we're facing? You know the one; even when maybe you can't pull it out all the time, you definitely know the one.