My career path takes me many places and one of my callings in life is travel, so I am happy when I am traveling. I write about the people I see, the products that are produced in the business of manufacturing a certain product (candy! chocolate!) and also to events where alcohol is free and open to get. This didn't make me an alcoholic, only enabled the progression of the obsession of the mind and allergy of the body the Big Book says we have.
At any rate, I'm home. And since I am waiting for my husband to also come home from his travels at a different location, thought I'd share my thoughts online. I know it would feel better to share my words face-to-face with fellow AAs but it's my choice to write them tonight.
The first special event took me to a famous chef's restaurant in honor of a soul-friend's retirement. Beginning with a small reception, the dinner progressed similarly to one in the film, CHOCOLAT (2000 release) with all kinds of cacao products in nine desserts at the ending. Of course there were flights of wine for the foodies, and I was the only one not drinking. I asked the waiter for a coke, and he finally remembered and we shared a forgiving smile. Sometimes I reflect that the servers and I are the only ones not affected by the alcohol; other times, the proximity to it brings thoughts that I might prefer to ignore. I can't really not go, but I am thinking of making retirement more of a priority. The second event was an awards ceremony and another must-attend for yours truly. I wouldn't miss it as I used to be in charge of this group and it's nice to be an observer rather than a participant. I like my cola, and I had two. I was getting annoyed at this one, because what did I see but an old resentment that I have not yet had the chance to do my 9th step with. In fact, the only time I run into this problem is at parties when I notice the behavior that I used to have. I know one is not supposed to do 12th step work when people are still choosing to do their drinking, and I think it's probably not a good idea to try one's 9th step, either. So, I just obsessed about it for 24 hours and am happy I don't have to live like that anymore. I may never be able to do anything about this one, so have to accept it as just a reminder. Talking to a sponsor might help, but it won't take away the situation. It felt a little like early sobriety, in fact, rather than having a few 24-hours under my belt. It was time to come home. That's all I know, and I'm sure more will be revealed. I do admit I'm powerless, and my life had become unmanageable for the moment, but wow, I took my notes, my pictures, congratulated the winners and said hello to everyone, even the resentment. Maybe that's a living amends. Maybe I'll simply be grateful I'm home. Thanks for letting me share.
2 comments:
There is another of those sayings that used to annoy me when I was new to the program until I found they came back, succinctly to save my tail."Be on guard for that unguarded moment." I still have moments when being around alcohol, and/or alcoholic behavior bother me (passing urges,curiosity, judgemental thoughts, etc.) I find it best to leave the situation at that time, just as you did. My disease is in remission only, like a vicious, sleeping dog just waiting to be fed.
Thanks. I was having a bad day at the meeting last night, but at the most, I had my butt at a meeting! Something to be said for that saying, too: "Meeting Makers Make It." Thanks for being there.
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