"Ism"

Today I had the courage to step on the scale. I wasn't surprised. I knew I had gained weight while here in Arizona. Now, what does this have to do with Alcoholism? It does because even though I am not drinking I still am an Alcoholic. The "ism" is still in my life. It is with me 24-7. In this situation it reared it's ugly head and after weighing myself I started beating myself up and being angry with myself. This is nonproductive! In sobriety I learned to be a responsible person. This includes my body. When I was drinking I abused it with alcohol. Today I try to take care of it. This includes eatting healthfully, exercising, getting physicals when I am supposed to and going to the dentist, etc. I think I left the first two back in Milwaukee. I honestly appraised the situation and I don't think I am using food as a drug. I think it is simply that because we eat out here more than at home in Milwaukee and the fact that there is just too much good food here. Now, what do I do about this? I still am not sure. Well, I do know . . . eat less. It really is simple but as an Alcoholic I am complicating the whole thing making it insurmountable in my mind. Also, I guess I am not ready to commit to it yet. So, for a starter I am praying that I will become "willing" to commit to a "diet". I will also work the program with this admitting I am powerless and that my life is unmanageable. I will focus on believing that a power greater than myselt, whom I choose to call God, will restore me to sanity. And, I will turn this problem over to the care of God. In the mean time I will love myself and accept life on life's terms. I am thankful that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a " program for living" and that, in addition to my Alcoholism, is there for me to use for all the challenges I face in my life.

Stress, Anxiety And "Stinking Thinking"

I went to my meeting last night and talked about this subject and felt better about it all by the time I left the meeting. As the saying goes "You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.". But, here it is morning and the same stress and anxiety is back.
I am an artist, a gift I never developed when I was drinking. I was such a perfectionist that I wouldn't do "anything" because I knew I couldn't do it "perfectly". I can no longer measure my success by the standards of the world. Today, I am a success because I am doing whatever it is. I have become "effort oriented and not "results oriented". My perfectionism when I was drinking was crippling but because of the Program I, today, can do things. I have had some success in my career as an artist. I have sold enough paintings to cover my expenses . . . some years. (They don't call us starving artist's for nothing.)
Today, I am getting paintings ready to ship to a gallery in Wisconsin where I live and am waiting news of my being accepted (or not) into a gallery here in Tucson. It is the first time in my career as an artist that I have had two things going simultaneously.
Now, you might ask why I am blogging about this? Because I am anxious about both situations and my negative thinking is driving me nuts! Will the gallery in Wisconsin like my paintings? Will I get accepted into the gallery here in Tucson? What if they don't? What if I don't get accepted? And, round and round and round my thoughts go. I think it is what we call "stinking thinking"! I am also walking around saying the slogans . . . "Let go and let God!" and the Promises: "We will soon realize God is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves." and "We will do the next right thing and leave the outcome to God." and, "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us." And, I am talking about it with you. I feel like a war is going on in my head. Right now the "stinking thinking" is winning. But, I will keep doing what I am doing because I know the Program works.
The program of Alcoholics Anonymous, in addition to keeping me sober, is a program for living. In it are all the solutions to whatever problems and challenges I might encounter in life. Right now I am saying to myself that this what I must do is . . . apply the 12 Steps to these situations. 1. "Admit I am powerless over whether I get into the gallery here in Tucson and I am powerless over whether the gallery in Wisconsin actually likes my paintings once they see them in person. 2. "Came to believe that a power greater than myself will restore me to sanity (right thinking and anxiety-free.)". and 3. "Make a decision to turn my life (and art) over to the care of God as I understand Him."
I am also saying the "Serenity Prayer" over and over. " . . . accept the things I cannot change." I can't control either of these situations " . . . courage to change the things I can." The bottom line is my attitude. And, " . . . the wisdom to know the difference."
I think, or should say I know, what I am suffering from is fear and insecurity. I need to focus on the "present moment" and take it "One day at a time." Things will turn out. Maybe not the way I want but the way they are supposed to be.
There, thanks for helping me feel better about these situations and I will let you know what happens.

Passport to Happiness

A cliche, but I want to talk about getting my passport and how daily use of the AA program is essential to my well-being.

This story involves TWO birth certificates, the one published on my birth day, inhospital, and the one I just bought from the state of Minnesota health department.

The original certificate is in mint condition; I confidently took it with my pix and application and $ to my appointed meeting at the post office two weeks ago; I was totally prepared. The pleasant postal worker opened my folder, took a glance at the birth certificate and kind of moaned, "Oh, I should have warned you, hospital birth certificates can't be used to get passports; you need a certified certificate from the state of your birth." My response could never be described as a mere moan. I was way beyond surprised; I went immediately into incensed and, with pulse rising, responded, "If this one isn't any good, why have I been taking such care of it all these years?" Employee said, "You sure have taken good care of it, and those little footprints are still perfect." I was in no mood for his gentle kindness, and barely got out of his office without having to do a tenth step on the spot.

On the way home, I steamed for a mile or so, declaring I just wouldn't get a passport. I don't have anywhere to go that requires one now, anyway. And...then...fairly shortly...I began returning to sanity (the steps have helped me learn to do this). I called the Minnesota office, was forthright and pleasant, was told it would take 4-6 weeks to process my request, and readily paid $45 extra to get the paperwork expedited, not caring that I have no travel plans, but wanting to get this over with. Then, I fairly calmly went on with my life.

Only four days later, a fellow worker brought me a packet from Fed Ex, saying I was probably going to get upset when I saw it. It was an overnite express delivery from Minn; it was soggy wet and crinkled. I pulled out the "official" birth certificate, breathed deeply, sighed, ironed it and took it to the post office, where it was welcomed with open arms. It didn't look nearly as nice as my pristine hospital one with blue ink foot prints, but it was what the authorities wanted.

Even if I never get to travel where my passport is required, I have already used it to move from an exhausting paddling upstream trip to a serene cruise with the current. Owlclover like this pictured doesn't require a passport to see if one is a US citizen. It grows in the ditches on the highway to Kitt Peak in "good wildflower springs."

Prioritizing

(3/18/84)
"Thank you for confiding in me about your bad time. I feel like you allow me to see the whole person who is you. I know I can't take any of it away, but I also know, when I had troubles, talking to you helped to put them in perspective. Once I was able to identify all of the problems, resentments, or fears and label them properly, then I could look them dead in the eye and they diminished in size. I found when I got into one of those nagging, rotten times, If I listed (actually wrote down) all of the things bothering me, then prioritized them starting with the most critical, it helped me to see what I needed to deal with first. The other things could wait.

When you said you felt nothing, I understood how that was. Sometimes when I jam my circuits with too much, I get immobilized. It seems to be my rational brain saying, "Wait a minute!" (That is new since being in The [AA] Program. Previously I would scramble in fourty directions botching everything.) Sometimes it lasts for longer that others, but once I get straight in my head what I have to do first, it all falls into place. I am not saying that all goes necessarily to my liking, but it does proceed without panic. It is the panic I can't handle."
from HOOT 'N GIN pg. 157

How Does My Garden Grow?

When I was going to AA meetings, often, but still drinking inbetween, I would occasionally look around the rooms and kind of imagine what it would be like to be sober. Of course, being a daily drinker, fantasy sobriety was the best I could experience. In young sobriety, I would ponder,"What's my responsibility in my recovery, versus what do I have to let a higher power do?" I brainstormed a lot (storms were basically all my brain contained back then).

This week, while thrilling to the fun of "watching up" my winter garden, I not only saw true leaves emerging on carrots and radishes, but I received a moment of clarity, too. For about six years, I haven't had a garden. More than once, I have tilled the soil and imagined the various rows of winter vegies waiting for me to visit and munch down on the spot. But, again, fantasy gardening was what I had.

Now, god and I have actually planted a garden. This experience is one of the reasons I keep as close to the meetings, program and fellowship as possible. Without participating, I could only imagine sobriety and new potatoes.

The Spotting Scope

Recently, a kind friend loaned us a spotting scope, I believe partly to keep me occupied while my shoulder was healing from surgery. Michael set the tripod where we could view the Catalina Mountains. The very first time I looked in the viewfinder, a fledgling Cooper’s hawk awkwardly landed on a neighbor’s roof directly in the scope’s sight. Each feather, each bar on his chest, his talons, all were clearly visible as he teetered and hungrily eyed the doves and quails at our feeder. I was instantly captivated and a few days later when my son invited us to go on a hike around Parker Canyon Lake, I asked if we should bring the scope. He happily agreed as he’s recently developed an interest in bird watching.

It is a cool day, perfect for a walk. Right off we take turns viewing the many kinds of waterfowl through the scope and binoculars. Michael’s lot is to carry the scope on the tripod, as my arm is rendered useless by doctor’s orders for assisted movement only. We meander along exclaiming, “Look, it’s got red eyes”; “Could that one be a plover; see how long his legs are?” and “Darn, I can’t find this duck in the book.”

Michael’s tells this part best:
I am not a “birder”, but I do like birds. I have several feeders around the house both in Cleveland and in Tucson, and I feed them every day despite Virginia’s chiding. I think birders are an altogether committed lot, admirable in their dedication to seeing and identifying every feathered creature on planet Earth. I admire their focus and determination, but I find them very amusing. I especially like the way they travel in groups and tend to set up their equipment or move it, in unison, the way birds flock then fly at some undetectable que. And the hats they wear! That said, here I am marching along the shore of the lake with Virginia and her son, a birder, complete with equipment, hat and books, pointing and identifying like a pro. Then comes the glitch. Bird books. If you have ever looked for them in bookstores they proliferate faster than they can be put on the shelves. An anonymous bird cannot possibly exist; yet try to identify one in the field by looking in a bird book. Scrutinize the bird in the scope, memorize it’s every marking and habit, quick, look through the color coded book—think, think, riffle, riffle, search, “Nope, not that one…. nor that.” Another book. “This bird doesn’t exist!”

The day slips away and suddenly the terrain gets steeper. Happily absorbed, we suddenly realize that a couple of hidden inlets we had walked around made what originally seemed a reasonable walk around the lake into what was swiftly becoming a daunting trek with still more hidden inlets now visible. My arm, newly out of a sling, begins to complain mightily. My son has a worried look when a side trail that promises an access road peters out on a rocky outcrop. We retrace our path and decide to go back the way we had come. Michael hails a friendly young man fishing on the bank who had waved to us when we first passed. “How far is it back to the boathouse?” He said it was about three miles, but the access road up the hill was shorter. He might have heard a note of desperation in Michael’s voice, because he said, “I’m through fishing for the day and I was just going up to my truck. Why don’t you follow me and I’ll give you a lift. The gifts of a sober life: a trusting friend wanting to loan an expensive piece of equipment, sharing an adventure with loved ones, and a stranger doing a kind deed. In the drinking days, seldom was an adventure not ruined by alcohol, was a friend without a selfish motive, or a stranger without guile. Certainly never would they have converged in the round scope of a single day.

Reacting with Fear

Through most of my sober years, I have been able to meet life on life's terms well enough to experience many of the gifts AA has to offer. The past several months, however, I have been struggling. The saying, "It's not what happens to us in life that matters, it's how we react" is kind of ringing in my ears. I am reacting with fear much more so than usual. Of course, I think no one else can possibly understand. Some experience, strength and hope, please.

Staying Teachable

Since I moved to this area twelve years ago I have been regularly attending a Step Meeting on Monday nights.
About 7 months ago, the Group that hosts this meeting asked me if I would take the six month commitment as Treasurer. I was quick to point out that I was not a Group Member, and that I thought the position would best be filled by one of their members. I was rather surprised when they said "we don't care what you think, will you do it?
I remembered back to when I was new and full of ideas & thoughts, and eager to share them with others. One day my then sponsor Frank said to me, " what we do is what counts, not what we think, and besides most of our ideas are "old ideas". And holding onto old ideas gives us old results. So stop talking, and start doing!"
With that memory, and knowing from experience that this was a Traditions based group, I accepted.
I fulfilled that commitment, and two weeks ago was 'rotated' into a six month commitment as Secretary.
I have to say that I am thoroughly enjoying this experience. It has reinforced my understanding of how our experiences can benefit others, and theirs can benefit us. It has given me new insight into the practice of steps 10 & 11, as well as AA's three legacies. By practicing UNITY with other groups through SERVICE to them, we can help strengthen our own RECOVERY.

Losses in Life

My Mother-in-law passed away early this morning. She was 91 and lived a good long life. Dad, who never quite drinking, passed away five years ago. Even though there were many family issues relating to Alcoholism I am thankful that with Gods help we were able to let go of them. Our sobriety was never spoken of or accepted even after 30+ years. It just wasn't talked about. My husband with my support chose what kind of son he wanted to be and had that relationship with them. Somehow when you are proactive rather than reactive you are no longer a victim. We are thankful for the relatively good relationship we had with them over these many years and extremely thankful that we had the maturity that only the 12 Steps can give. This program is truly a program for living. It is always there for us to turn to in all our life challenges.

One Day At A Time

I am so thankful for the AA program and the 12 steps. It was difficult to me to live one-day-a time when I first came to the program. And, at times, I still have difficulty with it. Even after 34 years. Today, I am able to live in the present moment enough that I have peace and serenity in my life. But, there is the temptation to look back at the past and worry about the future. Especially in stressful times when my emotional balance is off. But, then I remember that the God of my understanding is in the present moment and if I stay there He will be with me and I "will soon realize God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself."