Happy Fourth

Happy Fourth of July to friends known and to those known in spirit! Between travel and a computer that has been under the weather, we haven't visited recently. Kathie spoke of family and that has been on my mind, too.

When we went to upstate New York to visit family and to get our yearly "Rent-a-Chickens" (as our kids call them) that my cousin loans us for the summer, both of my older brothers were hospitalized for serious illnesses while we were there. Time was when I considered myself "different" from my family, beginning way before my alcohol problem. (I remember my 10th summer when I became convinced that I was adopted, despite the strong family resemblances photos showed through the ages.) My introduction to alcohol just confirmed my black sheep status, for my family was adamently abstinent, having lived through families broken by its effect. Entrenched in my secret life I pulled further away from family, visiting only briefly through the next years of alcoholic marriage. Then came sobriety, a new life, and a sober husband my family adored. I found I had only put myself in a position of estrangement and rediscovered siblings that embraced me and sometimes looked to me for answers.

Today I have real feelings for my family. I care when one is sick. I transplant flowers my sisters-in-laws give me and smile at their blooms; exchange recipes and gardening lore; I respect my brothers' advice and when we gather we fill in the empty years of our relationship with stories we tell about or "on" each other. We laugh and accept each other's strengths and weaknesses. One of the sisters-in-law even said that she wished she was as close to her sisters as we are.

Michael and I are going to have a Fourth of July bash, a large gathering of Michael's family (That miracle of repaired family relationships happened with his sobriety, too. Go figure!) There will be good food, a bonfire, marshmallows to cook on sticks in the embers,and a general celebration of freedom. Michael's and mine will be a double celebration, the traditional one, and also for our personal freedom from alcohol that shut us away from joy of family.

Yes, Home is Good

Posting a blog this morning is like getting back to a meeting I've missed several times; can't believe how much I rely on habit. If I get to a meeting today, it ups the odds I'll get to one tomorrow...hmmm.

Spent five days in Minneapolis with my brother and sister-in-law earlier this month. Occasion was my niece's wedding, which included one night of family dinner, next night of rehearsal dinner, next night of helping decorate the reception hall and picking up last-minute stuff at Mall of America and then, oh yeah, squeezed in a wedding ceremony the next noon before heading to reception, dinner and dance and then finally next day, the official gift and card opening. Phew.

All went well; I am reaping the benefits of the program's help in establishing neat relationships with family.

I also was aware of being perhaps the only non-drinker at all of this. One of the ways I know I'm alcoholic is I notice the drinking others do; I even notice if someone is NOT drinking. While the wedding party provided the liquor, they also charged 1$ a drink, their reasoning being it would cut down on consumption and help avoid anyone's drinking too much. Good idea, I mused, for the normies, but it wouldn't curtail a true drinker.

I came home safely, glad to have gone; happy to have participated in each event, but also a tad tired of having to be on guard so strongly for five days. I passed a bottle of champagne to the person next to me and poured a little water in my glass for the toasting; I carried a glass of beer to my brother, whose face turned to stone until he realized it was for him, not me, etc. I was truly grateful to repeatedly remind myself to stay "awake". However, I do not do these things effortlessly; I am not around liquor on a daily basis and prefer being freer of the constant stimuli.

I am so thankful for the AA program and Yea, god!