HAPPY NEW YEAR

New Years, 2010. That reads like the comic books I was addicted to, when as a kid many of my friendships were based on the pile of comics you owned rather than your personality. 2010 was light-years away. Mysterious, a place where people walked on the moon, shot each other with ray guns, and communicated by sending their image and talking directly through a machine. X-ray vision and robots to do your bidding. This year, my daughter-in-law got a robotic machine for Christmas that rolls around her house and cleans her floors while she is at work. She calls it Cecile. But is any of this any more fantastic than an alcoholic happily living a life without a drink? Not for this alcoholic.

Alcohol was my coping mechanism. It overcame my shyness and made me able to talk and dance and compete with the life of the party. It constructed a reality that had little to do with real life. It told me I was a little above living life by the rules normal people ordered their life by. Then alcohol became a trickster. One day I woke up and I could not account for the last 10 years of my life and I could see no future. Suicide seemed the only option and I attended my first 12 Step Meeting only because a friend begged me to try it first.

Had I acted on my impulse, I would have missed the most beautiful years of my life. When I walked through the doors of that meeting I found hope in each greeting. I was told if I did not like who I was, I could change and become someone else. It never occurred to me that it was possible to shape myself into a new person.. I thought I was born a certain way and would always remain so. Not only did the program show me the way to change through the Steps, but it gave me living examples to follow, and friends to cheer me on. The process was not easy; it took commitment on my part and time, but the rewards in repaired relationships, friends, and a life
full of more possibilities than I could ever have dreamed, is priceless.

Michael and I usually leave the roads to the amateur on New Year's Eve and take silly pictures of ourselves in front of the TV as they do the count-down, toasting in the new year with sparkling pomegranate juice. Some of those pictures look very much like the old days, but we remember taking them and do not wake up with a hangover. This year we are going to a Sober New Year's Eve Party to celebrate with other sober alcoholics this miracle of reclaimed life and on the first day of 2010 we are celebrating with more friends, having a sober AA Picnic at a local park. To all our friends we are with in spirit if not in body, we wish you a serene and Happy New Year,... even if you don't own a comic book.)

My Toolbox

I watched this little cutie several minutes before aiming my camera through the front windshield. A dear program friend and I were exploring the North Rim a few Octobers ago. It snowed throughout the day, and I was sitting in our suv waiting for Martha to tromp out of the trees and join me. Several bluebirds were working the area, but this one sat still, all fluffed up in the chill.

Now then, to the here and present moment. I'm asking for gifts (and please don't bother wrapping them). My AA toolbox has quite a few nifty and simple-to- use things in it, but I definitely have room for more. AND, I want some help polishing the old standbys. So...what is your favorite, most worn tool for living life on life's terms, especially these holiday season terms we're facing? You know the one; even when maybe you can't pull it out all the time, you definitely know the one.

Monday, November 30, 2009
Thoughts for Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is the start of the holiday season for me. I become very emotional this time of year because I get lost in the large (loud) family gatherings, hate the commercialization, etc. This is also a time of "great" reflection to the Thanksgiving's of the past. I'm feeling torn today - a part of me is feeling great because of AA and the other brings me right back to the lonely isolated times of drinking. This will be my first sober Thanksgiving and the fear, expectations, etc. of the past can consume me if I let it. One thing I've learned from AA is to prepare myself. I know my stinking thinking so it's time to armor and immerse myself in AA. I am so thankful for AA to help me "live life on life's terms" and to keep it one day at time. I know I will struggle but with the tools of AA in my belt I can only succeed.
Thankful in Ohio!

Todays' the Day!

It's 5 am. Thanksgiving morning. I've been awake since 3. My Doctor told me yesterday I could start putting weight on my foot. With the stern warning "as tolerated and only in the house". I'm sure you can figure out the rest!
Pat and I are spending the day at home alone for the fist time in years. Since we moved to Ohio we usually go out,to an AA friends or to our friend Lisa's (who has kind of adopted us over the years and opened her heart and home to us).
Since I'm incapacitated Pat's doing all the work. I won't bore you with the menu but here's a sample: Smoked Salmon, Crab Cakes, Beef....Oh! and home made French Silk Pie.
I wanted to wish all of you a Happy, Sober Thanksgiving and include a little gratitude list as a reminder. So here goes...

Aside from all the usual Sobriety,Higher Power relationship, roof over my head.

1. A husband who is not only my best friend but my HERO. Who makes so many sacrifices,and keeps me safe from myself when I don't even know it at the time.

2.Friends who are not afraid to tell me the truth.

3. A Sponsor who with gentle guidance over the years has helped me through the darkest time in my life.

4.The Steps of AA for allowing me to accept my mothers illness and let her not only be a 3 year old but to be MY 3 year old.

5. Time : I have lots of it these days. I am able to give it away to many girls in the fellowship.

6. Timmy : even when we don't see each other for awhile we keep each other on the straight and narrow. We're truly blessed in our relationship.

7.My brothers' new daughter. Pat and I were asked to be her guardians in the case of a catastrophic incident.

8.Most of all Freedom! Freedom from bondage of self, free to become the woman I can and want to be, free to be the friend I would want for me, the sister, the wife, the daughter,the example.

Thanks for letting me be a part of today instead of looking in from the outside. Big change for someone like me.
Funny thing is I'm grateful everyday I wake up on this side of the grass and every night I don't take a drink with the help of my H.P.
Smile it's good for you!

Thank You, Thanksgiving

A November sunrise along a stream in the White Mountains northeast of Tucson, during an annual brush clearing burn.

My family is scattered widely throughout the U.S. and Canada, and my 96-yr-old Dad and I go it alone for the holidays now. Last week when I was getting groceries, I paused at the bin of turkies, but didn't hoist one into my basket. My head was saying, "You just can't do this anymore...cook a turkey and all the trimmings for two people to consume a couple of slices and one leg and a scoop of this and that. The tears didn't roll, but they were poised as I got in my car and headed home. No more than a mile along, my cell phone chirped and it was my Dad's number. I thought about not answering, because I was driving, but I can't ignore his calls, ever. It was Sharrie, a gal who helps caregive for him in his home. She asked what he and I were doing for Thanksgiving, and I replied that it was looking like we'd have the traditional Thanksgiving bacon and eggs. She laughed and asked us to join her family, and you bet I said yes, yes. After about 40 years of being the official turkey cooker, I didn't even have to pass the torch. It is done.
Thank you to AA for giving me the tools to live life on life's terms and to be welcomed and invited and included....

A Dose of Humility

Since I have nothing else to do I figured I'd post again. Unusual for me!
Yesterday I went to my regular BB meeting and as God would have it we were reading Step 9 starting with the section about how we have to make direct amends. A mumbled apology will not satisfy. The line that got me! What also stuck out was the spiritual part that we must stand on our feet, we do not crawl before Anyone and that our main purpose is to be of service to others. Several people shared on the promises that start to come if we are thorough as well.
Since I got sick in 2002 I have had nothing but time to give to others and my sponsor has told me time and again it's a blessing to be of service to others! I rarely ask others to be of service to me.
I'm still laid up form my surgery. I'm not only on crutches and can barely walk but I can't drive either. I've had several doctors' appts. the last week or so and have a few more coming up. I also need to get to my meetings. I think you can guess where this is going.
At the same time my sponsor left the state for the winter so I needed to get a winter sponsor. Man oh man! Talk about piling it on!
So here is where the training comes in.....
I asked for help!!!!!!
I actually lined up a ride here and a ride there trading a cup of coffee and some fellowship for a lift to the doc or a meeting.
I lined up a winter sponsor so there's no lag time. I am one of those who should not be without guidance!
The thing that amazes me most is at the meeting yesterday a woman came up to me and told me she felt she was a bad AA friend because she hadn't picked me up for anything yet! Little does she know she's getting a call this morning!
Just because I've been sober for a long time now does not mean I don't have to practice some humility, swallow my pride (the I can do it myself attitude) and ask for help. Being laid up is a good reminder forceful of that.
Thanks God, and Thanks AA for teaching me H.O.W.
HJ&F in Ohio

Who says there's no meeting bank?????

I had major surgery a few days ago. The Doctor removed a joint implant the was put in about a year and a half ago. Go figure that an alcoholic would have an allergic reaction to the material! So aside from the pain factor I was told I'd have to be non weight bearing for the next 4 weeks. I hate crutches.
I'm one of those who are blessed to be able to get to at least one meeting every day. When I was working I only made about 5 a week. I look at meetings as my gas station. I fill up as often as possible. If I can't get to one at least I know my tank is pretty full.
Till today it had been 4 whole days since I'd been to a meeting. Thankfully I had been making regular deposits in my meeting bank so I was able to draw on those to keep my sanity. When my friend Helen picked me up today I hobbled out to the car,into the meeting and refilled.
I firmly believe that I have a meeting bank and never know which meeting will carry me through that rough spot so I better keep going to as many as I can.
PS. Since it's gratitude month Thanks to All of my fellow Alcoholics for keeping me sober One Day At A Time
Have a Happy Thanksgiving

A LESSON RE-LEARNED FROM OUR GPS

Last Christmas our grandkids gave us a GPS, thinking it would aid our travels. Michael and I looked at each other, saying, " What are we gonna do with this? How long have we lived without one and get around just fine!" With a closed mind, and a few glances at the manual, we made a couple half-hearted attempts to start it and decided the darn thing didn't work anyway.
Dutifully we displayed it in the car when we went back east; not that we used it, but as a visual testimony of appreciation of the gift. When one of Michael's nephews asked how we liked it and told us how much he used his, we had to confess that we didn't think it worked. He looked at it, tapped the screen a few times, and said, "There, you just didn't have the fweeewww activated. It tells you all about it in the manual."

Shortly thereafter we set a destination in an unfamiliar city on the GPS and to our astonishment a little figure of our car crawled along the highways on the screen and a reassuring voice told us, "In .03 miles turn left onto U.S Route 20." At one point Michael decided he didn't like that route and defiantlyturned onto another road. Patiently the voice said, "Recalculating route,"and started giving new directions. Before we knew it we arrived at our destination without a hitch. For the next few trips we intentionally made wrong turns trying to confound the thing, but each time it calmly redirected us. Often we mused on how a machine could keep track of millions of cars going their million ways and still know where we should make our next turn. Eventually we gave up trying to figure it out and now we just rely on its directions being the best choice.

Laughingly we decided the process evolved a lot like our introduction to AA. At first we were suspicious of AA's ability to better our life. We avoided reading the instructions (the Big Book) and couldn't believe The Program would show us the way out of our misery. Often we defiently went our own route and found it took far longer to get to a state of peace than it did for others who followed The Steps as suggested. When we asked for help, got a sponsor, and stopped trying to figure out how The Program works, or our Higher Power, it has worked just fine.

Hello to our friends in the East. We drove many miles through snow so we got our taste of winter, and today thought of you all as we sat by the pool enjoying extended summer.

Carrying the Message

Yesterday morning I went to a "new" meeting for me, a 7:30a.m. early risers group, and wow...there were THREE people whom I remember from my very first days of AA, when I was getting to meetings, but drinking inbetween. I couldn't remember a thing those fellow travelers had shared, but I vividly recalled the feeling of welcome and hope they gave.

I told them this, and all four of us grinned with joy, as I let them know it took nearly five years before I could get sober in AA, but that it did happen, the promises did appear, and here I am, carrying the message of recovery. How great, also, that there were two newcomers there, not free of alcohol yet, but coming to meetings. When I share my story, when I broadcast it like a handful of grain, I have to remember that it is freely scattered, and that I have no idea who will hear what, if anything, but that hopefully those newcomers in my presence will absorb the message of hope I now have.

My "job" is to keep showing up and helping to carry the message, so that our awesome program can continue to flow like this stream in Madera Canyon.

Servant, not Master

Last week, I was asked to post something and all I could come up with was a poem (Behind the Counter) that appears below. Today, reading an entry in the little recovery booklet, As Bill Sees It, I became inspired to add another thought. On page 259, titled "Servant, Not Master," the reading emphasizes spiritual matters over material goods, an issue that this alcoholic struggles with in life. What Bill Wilson writes, follows: "One of A.A.'s Loners is an Australian sheepman who lives two thousand miles from the nearest town, where yearly he sells his wool. In order to be paid the best prices he has to get to town during a certain month. But when he heard that a big regional A.A. meeting was to be held at a later date when wool prices would have fallen, he gladly took a heavy financial loss in order to make his journey then. That's how much an A.A. meeting means to him." I liked that. For the sheepman, the selling of his wool was the servant, not master, in his life. How can we learn from that A.A. loner? Follow in his footsteps and serve, rather than be served. That is something for me to think about, in my own desire to stay sober.

Back To My Roots

This summer vacation my husband and I decided to return to our home state of New Jersey for two weeks of fun in the sun at the beach. I'm a firm believer that just because I'm on vacation does not mean I'm on vacation from AA.
I was lucky enough to be able to get to a meeting almost every day at 7 am. To my delight they were literature meetings. Big Book, As Bill Sees It, Step, Grapevine, etc... What a way to start the day! The regular attendees numbered around 40-50!
For those of us that have relocated in sobriety it's always a tough deal. For me I'm still dealing with the feeling that there is no AA like Jersey AA and I've been in Ohio for 12 years!
Being a small person with a BIG personality (that's the description I've heard recently and have adopted!) it only took me couple of days of handshaking to get to know most of the room!
I have many fond memories of my early years in sobriety running around the state going on speaking commitments,detox commitments,picnics, checking out new meetings and all kinds of other outings with a whole crew of other newcomers. N.J. is much smaller than Ohio and lends itself easily to in state travel. Oh! and did I mention that I was almost 20 years younger as well?!
Anyway I felt really grounded knowing that no matter where I go there you are and for that I am truly grateful. I know that all I have to do is reach out my hand and you will be there for me in the spirit of the fellowship.
When I moved here to Ohio I made a commitment to do a 90 in 90, get a Sponsor right away, find a Home Group and get active.
The most amazing thing about going back to my roots was in coming home to Ohio I realized I have roots here too. It took a while but I love the fellowship I have found here. I have made many fast friends just like the book promises as I trudge the road of Happy Destiny. I have a Sponsor I wouldn't trade for anything and of course the world's best Home Group.
I guess to sum it all up I am home in Alcoholic's Anonymous no matter where I go!
Thanks AA.

Behind the counter 

Even though I rail against

this job at times,

I do the tasks well,

serving this one and that,

answering their requests

for meat, cheese, directions.

 

There is a nobility in service,

the masters say:

“Feed people. Serve people.

Love everyone. Tell the truth.”

Do my colleagues do that?

I think they do, mindfully.

 

Not like me, with too much thought.

I know I am here to be taught.

 

Just yesterday, a customer

I call “the hello lady”

got angry, again,

called me ‘the slowest woman in town.’

Maybe she was referring to someone else

in the line that she overstepped.

I took offense, yet, returned with

all she needed - kindness.

 

The cross-dressers are the best.

Today, a man in a purple scarf waited for me

as I served him.

It felt as if I were the one honored, instead.

We shared a smile and a conversation,

and I don’t even remember

what he bought.

 

At times I fill up with memories

of arrogance when I rushed through my own life,

overstepping boundaries,

ignoring a kindness, or a query.

My own needs were oh, so urgent,

When time, I thought, was in my control.

 

The cell phone folks are the worst.

I vow to drown mine!

 

Like pets in the kennel, 

the customers are all different.

Some are polite, or curious,

While others just snarl and bite.

It’s not their fault, it’s the nature

of the lives we lead.

Yet everyone, even you, eats.                        

 

by Pat Magee 12/04 

JEWELS FOR AMENDS

My mother died during the worst period of my addiction. When she married my father, she took over a house that already contained my grandmother, Dad's oldest brother, two small children of Dad's sister who died in childbirth, and the multiple duties of a farm wife. She was a loving person who never complained and always had a song or a smile on her lips. I was the third (and destined to be middle) child, the first girl. It soon became apparent that I was never going to be the cute little curl-um and dress-um-up child I believe she had longed for, but once that became clear, she let me be the person I willfully chose to be. And willfullness marked the next decades of my life. I thought I was better than my roots, and once I left home for college I chose a lifestyle of which I knew my parents, who did not drink, would never approve. I eloped after college and during the next years my husband of that time and I slid through the levels of an alcoholic marriage. I brought her grandson for brief visits but basicly denied her a relationship with him in an futile effort to hide the chaos going on in my marriage.

Eight years after her death I got sober. Once I divorced myself from chaos and started to appreciate the values I had been raised with, I felt a powerful remorse for how I neglected my relationship with my mother. How to make amends to such a gentle spirit? By that time I had found the comfort of a new marriage blessed by my family of origin, and Michael and I had found the serenity of a small house in the country with a large garden and fruit trees and berries in abundance. I treasured the peace of coming home to our "farm" after a stressful day working with addicted adolescents. I remembered the hours my mother had spent in a hot kitchen canning vgetables and fruit from our garden to provide for our winter fare. I could see the pride she took in the colorful rows of cans that lined our cellar shelves. Best of all were the days she made jams and jellies and we kids got to eat the foamy skimmings the next morning on our toast. It occurred to me what a fitting tribute to my mother making jelly would be. So each fall I go through the ritual of gathering the fruits and vegetables, experience the hard work of peeling them and preparing jars, scalding my face over the bubbling sweet liquids as I stir the jellies feeling connected to my mother. And surely, as with most amends, I receive more than I give. Not only do the rows of colorful jars delight my eye and give me a feeling of acomplishment, but also these "amends" become gifts for my grandchildren and special friends.

Doing What Works

This little Screech Owl uses the sprinkler near my fishpond for a refreshing shower nearly every afternoon. I really did a double take the first time I watched, just assuming that owls and water don't mix. I think he discovered something that works for him.

Early on in the program I had misconceptions about the effectiveness of the suggested livestyle offered freely to me, too. How could a bunch of such simple behaviors give me a life free from alcohol and its killer effects?

Now, I know from personal experience that the AA program works, when I use it. Today, things are going smoothly, thanks to a higher power, going to meetings, working with others and not drinking. Where I recognize my alcoholism in times like this is that thoughts come (and go) that I don't need meetings, that a particular incident is too small to require a 10th step from me, that I don't have time for this and that anymore...glad I can laugh at myself and keep doing what works. It is kind of humorous, this thinking...kind of like, "I don't need to brush my teeth anymore, because I did such a good job on them last year." Yea for meetings and fellowship that help me realize I'm not the only one whose brain needs restoring to sanity.

HARVESTING THE PROGRAM

This morning we walked through our garden, as we do most every morning, and found two tomatoes had turned from a stubborn green to orange overnight. First tomatoes of the season; what joy! This summer has been unusually cool in the northeast and heat loving vegetables are slow to mature. For us, gardening is a nurturing activity. It gives us plenty of physical exercise, it encourages us to eat a healthy diet, it lends a spirit of anticipation to each day as we wait for the seeds to grow and at this end of the cycle for produce to ripen, and as we do the mindless activity of weeding or cultivating, it is a wonderful place to meditate.

Another perk of gardening is that it keeps us constantly aware of our powerlessness in the face of nature's whims. Gardening is not a necessity for us; it's a hobby, but when I was growing up, the food the garden provided was what the family ate, and what we froze or canned, was a major part of our winter food. Now, if we have a year when crows destroy the corn, or rabbits eat every beat, bean, or carrot before it has a chance to grow, or the garden drowns from too much rain, or dies from drought, I wonder how my family always had vegetables on the table, and we never went hungry. Our garden makes us grateful for a sobriety that has taught us the joy of simple pleasures.

Missing Meetings

I am very fortunate with AA meetings. There are about 300 in my driving range, so I'm told, and if I need to miss one of my regulars, dozens more are available. I'm almost anxious to get to my women's group tonight, because it has been more than a week since I've made a meeting.

The last time I went this long is maybe never.
So, guess what's happening to my stress level...

The desire to drink isn't present, and I talk to others in recovery every day; I even work with one. But, boy, it is not the same program for me. Something most helpful happens to my body, mind and spirit when I am in an AA meeting, even when my brain wanders or says the topic isn't for me.

This alcoholic hasn't a clue how some people "do this" without meetings, and she doesn't want to find out.

A WE(E) PROGRAM

AA is called a "we " program because together we can do what we could not do alone. This Summer, Michael and I have been watching a "we" program in action. Shortly after returning to Ohio, Michael and I were enjoying our usual 5 o'clock cuppa, sitting on our swing and surveying all that needed to be done on our 7 acres. We were contemplating a semi hollow tree that we have avoided cutting because it gives such beautiful shade when Michael said he thought he saw a paw poking out of an opening where we had a limb cut off last year. A few minutes later a bandit face poked out, then another, and another,... and another. As we ate our evening meal on the porch, we watched what appeared to be their first excursion. First one shimmeyed up the trunk with all four legs extended sideways and belly flat to the to the surface. When he reached a main crotch he started chittering to the others. Soon two more joined him and the three called encouragment to the last smaller one. That littlest one attempted twice then backed into the hole crying. At that point two of the bandits crept back down, enticed their sibling out of the hole and with one in front, one behind, helped him up the trunk. Until dusk they amused us by climbing out to the shakey tips of branches, learning to maneuver around each other, and gaining confidence with each new trick.

Two days later they were in the chicken yard. We had already considered the fact that they are apparently without a mother and their presence means future trouble if they managed to live, so we went out making threatening gestures and Michael barked like a dog trying to frighten them away. These tiny babies looked at us with their intelligent, pleading eyes like we were crazy. Two of them scrambled back up the fence post, one climbed a small lilac bush in the enclosure, and the tiniest one put his head in the corner next to the building making himself as small as possible and shivvered. I looked at Michael and we just walked away saying , "Well, they will come out the open gate when we leave." The two on the fence post called to the others and the one in the corner joined them, but the one in the tree found the little branches very bouncy and he couldn't decide how to let go. Did the three abandon him? No. The three climbed back inside and joined him in the tree. These tiny creatures, not much bigger than kittens, scared as they might have been, were going to stick together.

The next day I startled them from under the current bush when I drove by on the riding mower. Admiring their will to survive I told Michael I could spare a few currents, and we might as well let nature take its course. A few days later we spotted them eating mullberrys under the tree down by the road and two mornings later as I gazed out the window welcoming the dewey morning I saw 4 tiny humps moving along the backside of the chicken fence later to appear beyond the building marching in a row toward the hedgerow in the direction of the pond. It has been three weeks now that we have been sure they are on their own, and they are making it. One has to admire their resoursefulness and take a lesson from their mutual support. A good AA lesson: Learn to let go and support each other.

It's in the Trip

A close friend and I were moaning about surviving another June in Tucson, with no relief from the flat sky days and single digit humidity, when we were given the idea of putting together a women's getaway at her 3 acres in the White Mountains. And...it happened last weekend. We drove up the weekend before to clean, throw together some tables and build a safe firepit.

Abut 20 program gals drove up, bringing sleeping bags, tents, camping chairs and FOOD. We had campfire meetings under awesome starry skies, celebrated some June sobriety birthdays and returned to the desert floor Sunday afternoon, proclaiming we'd do it again soon.

I don't know which was better, the planning and work before the event or the weekend itself. Even had we been rained out, the trip was worth it. One of my favorite things were the six mornings I got to watch the very first hints of dawn grow into new days.

"When Times Get Tough"

It has been a week now since my surgery on my knee for a torn miniscus. Recovery isn't going like I anticipated. There aren't any problems other than I am impatient. Typical Alcoholic thinking . . . I thought I'd be better than I am. How bad could arthroscopic surgery be? Three little 1/2" incisions? I am trying to work my program but must admit I am struggling. I have a group of my AA women friends coming to the house tomorrow for a meeting. I am in a lot of pain but am using my pain medication sparingly. Trying to do it with Tylenol rather than the Percoset that was prescribed. I never had been addicted to prescription drugs and don't want to start now. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. I am trying to work the 1st step with this for I am definitely am "powerless". Being laid up is not good for this Alcoholic. Gives me too much time to think. It is too easy for me to slip into "stinking thinking". I need to turn this all over to the God of my understanding and let him work things out. Well, thanks alot and I am going to get back to taking it "one day at a time." Maybe 5 minutes at a time.

Open Invitation

This past weekend the Akron (Ohio) Intergroup Council hosted the annual Founders' Day Celebration, which this year marked the 74th birthday of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And what a celebration it was! Over 11,000 attended from all over the world!

I always feel especially blessed because I live nearby and have been able to attend ten out of the last twelve years.

This year we were a Crew of 7: with sobriety ranging from almost 2 years to almost 2 decades; 4 gals and 3 guys; two from out of state; and three first time attendees.

Come and join us next June to celebrate AA's 75th. Complete info can be found at akronaa.org.
Just click on Founders Day.

The event is truly a spiritual experience.

GIFTS

We arrived to thigh high grass, a neglected garden of blossomed perenniels tumbling over each other to greet us, another garden begging to be tilled, bags to unpack, and a house sorely in need of a good dusting. Our semi-yearly migration leaves us pulled in two directions. We sadly miss the mountains and desert and our western family and many dear AA friends yet we anticipate a joyous reunion with our northern family and friends, and happily return to our roots where we first got sober and started on our journey of new beginnings. Initially we are overwhelmed by the green. Trees, grass...even the rain seems green. We feel disorientated in a house we have lived in for over twenty years. There is so much work to be done and so many loving demands on our time. Within two weeks, in different states, a wedding, an interrment, a granddaughter's dance recital, another's graduation, and a grandson being honored as an Eagle Scout. "Well," some might say, "That's just life. Enjoy." But we are alcoholics, out of our routines, and down on our regular AA meetings. Our first inclination is to panic and try to do ten things at once. Habit saves us, though. Go to an AA meeting, prioritize, take one day at a time, breathe.

Two weeks later we are home again, the loved ones are honored, the grass is cut (a baler would have been a help), and the garden is planted. This morning we woke to this little fellow deposited under our window and our rent-a-rooster crowing in the chicken coop. Everything is right with our world thanks to the sanity AA gives us.

Gratitude

At times my gratitude for being sober is overflowing. Friday night my grandson graduated from high school. He is a great kid, or I should say man, and has chosen not to drink because of the disease of Alcoholism being in the family. I hope he can keep this commitment. I pray for him every day and have for years. One of the things I pray for him is not to have to experience this awful disease. I will continue to pray for him. Anyway, the graduation was wonderful! When he walked down the aisle in his cap and gown I cried tears of gratitude. I am also grateful that I was sober well before he was born and that he never had to experience a Gramy that was drinking and drunk. I am grateful everyday for my sobriety. It is times likes this that my sobriety means even more to me. My Higher Power is awesome!
Sandy K.

One Day At A Time

I haven't blogged for a while. I am having knee surgery on June 10th and am "patiently"? waiting for the day to come. I have a torn Miniscus. The problem started the end of March while I was still in Arizona. It has been a long haul. Thank God for meetings and AA friends. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but always seem to feel like I am on the brink of a major "Pitty Party". It seems to be looming there just waiting for me. The program is there for me to work in this situation. I admit that I am "Powerless" over this all. I need to remind myself daily to be "grateful" that I have a good Doc. That my knee can be fixed. That "This too shall pass". There, now I feel better. Thanks.

IOU AA

Please forgive me, I'm not the greatest blogger so.......

A little background...... Last week I went to visit my brother, his wife Abby and their 16 month old daughter Pheobe in Ma. for 6 days. My sister-in-law has chosen to be a stay at home mom. (The only way to go as far as I'm concerned!). My husband joined us later in the week and we had a really great time. I was able to get to 3 meetings while I was there. I don't believe that just because I'm on vacation I take a vacation from AA. I love going to meetings in different places.
I'm a 49 year old woman who was not able to have her own children,though early in my recovery I had a really difficult time accepting that. Eventually with the help of my Higher Power, my Sponsor and the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I made it through that period of my life.
God has since blessed me with many things. A long happy marriage to another sober alcoholic, many friends in the fellowship and a loving family being just a few.
This past week with my brothers' family was an experience I won't soon forget. When Abby asked me if I'd like to put Pheobe down for her nap I didn't give it a second thought. What I didn't realize when I took her upstairs was I was about to have one of the most moving spiritual experiences I have ever had. You see I have never given a baby a bottle before. Imagine a darkened room, a rocking chair, a warm small body against yours, small grunts and sucking noises, you get the picture.
I was quite literally moved to tears.
I was allowed to put her down for nap and to bed for the rest of my visit. On the last morning I had one of those AA aha moments. All the work, all the growth leads to these moments. We are allowed, we have earned the privilege again to participate in life on life's terms.
For those that know me this will come as no suprise when I finish with this is another reason why IOU AA.

Simple Remedies

My backyard trees have gotten so tall and thick, I have to get on my roof to see much of Pusch Ridge, but it's always worth the climb. It takes a little effort, but it's a simple answer.

About two years ago, I had some surgery on my face that required putting an ointment on the incision for quite a long time. It was one of those antibacterial salves in a tube, expensive but absolutely necessary to guard against infection and promote healing. I guess it worked. Last week, I had another little incision and the medical directions now say to use vaseline (cheap) and add that the antibacterial salves do NOT do a thing to prevent infection. I grew up with vaseline; we always had a jar and used it for lots of things, from lubricating plumbing joints (now we have to buy special tapes and compounds) to salving scrapes and scratches.

Last week I asked my 96-year-old Dad how they dealt with life in the Depression. He said, "Well, for one thing, since I couldn't afford a car, most of your mother's and my dates were walks." I remember my parents loving to go on walks.

The AA Program is teaching me to use the things in life, the tools, that work every time. And, the tools are so simple and inexpensive. All I really have to pay is attention (the hard part).

Moms & AA

Each year as Mother's Day approaches, I think back to my early days in AA.
I was 35, didn't have a pot to pee in, or a window to throw it out of.
My mother was 70 and had a house with several pots & windows, and since I was sober she allowed me to live there with her.

So there we were, just the two of us: I was newly sober, and she had just retired.
What a Great first year of sobriety that turned out to be!

Every day I went to work, came home, and took a brief nap and quick shower while she got dinner ready for us. We ate and talked. and talked. and talked until an AA fellow or two would come by to pick me up to take me to a meeting. This was the routine every day for the year or so that we lived together. She would often invite some of my new friends to come for supper. She also got very proficient at taking detailed phone messages from scores of AA's who would call.
During that time I also got to know her as a person, not just my mother. Adult to adult. What a blessing that was for me.

Eventually I got back on my own two feet and got a place of my own, and my mother moved to a new town with lots of retirees in the neighborhood.

Two years later, my older brother (who had always been a very heavy drinker) died of stomach cancer at age 41. I remember standing at my mother's side at the wake and being glad that I was able to be there to help her through the sad occasion. I was only able to do that because I was sober. I shudder to think where I would have been otherwise.
I also remember that as the many AA's came to give their condolences, she would greet each one of them with a smile on her face, and bright eyes, and remembering many of their names, would say things like; "thank you for helping my boy", "I remember how much you helped my son", or "I pray for you guys every day". All this while grieving the loss of her first son!

My mom passed away ten years ago after what she described as a long and happy life.

When I think of these things, I'm not sure whether the lump in my throat is because I know I had a great mom, or because I am grateful for the joy that Alcoholics Anonymous brought into her life, or I'm grateful for what AA has done for all aspects of my life. Probably all of the above.

Acceptance, what page was that?!!!

I recently spent 3 weeks with my elderly parents. Need I say more?! My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a year ago. It's been really difficult to watch the deterioration of a once vital,active woman to someone I don't know. I feel like I'm losing her.
Luckily there is a 7am meeting about 5 minutes away from their home in Tarpon Springs Fl. every day and I know everyone there since I've been going to it for several years every time I visit. I even have a Fl. sponsor.
Living in Ohio I find it easier to make extended visits as opposed to several shorter ones throughout the year.
This time I actually went down with the attitude of Let Go Let God for the first time and carried it through the whole visit.
You'd think after 19 years of sobriety this would come a little easier but alas some are thicker than others!
I will say this, Acceptance is truly the answer to ALL my problems and makes my life a lot easier when I can apply the principle. Of course starting my day with a meeting helped immensely.

Life's Unexpected Challenges

Just before I left Tucson to travel back to Milwaukee my knee became painful because of cysts I have on my Miniscus. Went to an Urgent Care while visiting friends in Anthem, AZ. The doctor gave me enough pain medication to get me home. I traveled cross country with my new friend . . . my cane. We stayed in Springfield, Mo and while there I came down with a digestive disorder. I wasn't sure if I had food poisoning so went to an Urgent Care. I didn't have food poisoning thank God! What I found out is that people are wonderful . . . all across the country. Very caring and helpful. I know some day I will laugh about all this but I am not quite there .. yet.
Within two days of being home I came down with a Cold and am now getting better from that. Because of this, it taken me a long time to get settled in here at home. Now, not being a patient person, I am getting very frustrated with this. So, I guess I need to work on accepting life on life's terms and kow that "this too shall pass!".
Plus, I have not been to a meeting since April 2. This is the longest time I have gone without going to a meeting in the 35 years I have been sober. I celebrated my 35th AA birthday on April 19 and I was so looking forward to celebrating with my home group. I was going to go last night but decided I would stay home and keep my germs to myself. When I am well I will go and bring my cookies and celebrate then. In the mean time I am having telephone meetings and now blogging.
I am so thankful for the program! For, it has given me the tools to face and deal with life in all of it's aspects. I have been able to take the goings on of the last weeks pretty much in stride.

Thoughts at Bright Angel Trail

Recently our daughter-in-law took an overnight solo hike into the Grand Canyon. She had planned it for a year as a personal celebration of turning 40. (Or, perhaps thumbing her nose at it.) She has been training for the adventure and is in great shape. She started out down the Kaibob Trail on a Saturday morning and Michael and his daughter and I met up with my son and our granddaughter at the Canyon that afternoon. We talked and laughed, had dinner together, and enjoyed each other's company, and arose the next morning anxious to greet the ambitious hiker.
As I ambled down the beginning of the Bright Angel trail hoping to get a photo of her triumphant return I was filled with gratitude that the program has not only given us the tools to repair family relationships and be welcome at such an event, but also has taught me how to get out of my self absorption and feel a genuine joy in another's acomplishments. I smiled my thanks to that awesome expanse.

Accepting Life On Life's Terms

Sometimes life presents us with situations that challenge us. On April 8th I left Tucson, AZ for my trip home. I had been having problems with my knee and I didn't know how I was going to make the trip cross-country because I was in so much pain. I met good AA friends, my sponsor, in Anthem, AZ for coffee. Right across the way was an Urgent Care Center. I figured I had had enough denial and made the decision to go, with my sponsor, and see about my knee. I knew they couldn't do much being what it is. They did give me enough pain medication to get me home along with an anti-inflammatory. Monday I see my Othoped. My knee hasn't changed so it will be interesting what he will say. My worst fear is that I will need surgery. If so, I must step up to the plate putting denial aside and do what needs to be done.
On Monday while in Springfield, MO I got sick with intestinal problems and wound up in another Urgent Care facility. It has taken until today, Friday, for me to totally recover. Putting my denial aside, I finally got in the flow of my life journey and accepted life on life's terms. Even with these challenges things just flowed and I didn't get all whigged out about these situations. So, I guess I have learned something at the tables over the many years I have been in the program.
A JOKE! AN ALCOHOLIC CAN JUST GO JOIN AA BUT AN AL-ANON HAS TO KNOW SOMEONE TO GET IN.

Young herons and other birds of a feather

This young blue heron reminds me of kinda how I got sober. I kept going to meetings and drinking inbetween, but you AA's were attracting me to the edge with your"Come on in; the water's fine." Finally, (I think somebody pushed me) I got both feet wet. With about as much poise as this guy, but also with the breeze beneath my new wings, I left alcohol behind and began a wonderful new life
with the help of god, the program and the fellowship.

Monkey Wrench

"Monkey Wrench". I don't know what it is but the "God Of My Understanding" has thrown one into my life.
Wednesday night I came home from my meeting and was sitting on the couch. When I got up I experienced the most severe pain in my knee. I had had this a year ago and was diagnosed with a Baker's Cyst. It was back. So, here I am keeping compression and heat on it. I am keeping it elevated and use a cane to get around.
We are leaving in one week to drive cross country. We have a lot of packing to do and here I am laid up. I really feel sorry for myself at times . Would you like to come to my "Pity Party"? But the program teaches me to accept life on life's terms. In the beginning the "Serenity Prayer" was my mantra. I said it over and over and over again. I am in a period of grace and have accepted my situation. My only concern is the drive cross country but right now all I have to focus on is today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Thank God for AA and the 12 Steps!

Sunrises and Potatoes

I used to often get up on my roof and watch the sun rise from behind Pusch Ridge. Its position showed me the changing year.

Now, I'm content to sit on the porch and enjoy the "new day" awakening.

Aha on the potatoes that are not opening their buds. The people at the seed potato farm told me that not all plants bloom, that buds are fragile and easily blown off, and most importantly, that blooming (or not) doesn't affect the crop.

What does all this have to do with AA? Well, for one thing, thanks to the program I didn't dig up the potato plants, and for another, I no longer have to climb onto the roof to watch a sunrise. I can do it the easier softer way.

Acceptance

I have one week left here in Arizona before we are leaving for home. The bottom line is: I don't want to go! As I write this I realize I am living in the future instead of "today". Maybe if I focus on the "present moment" the time, one day at a time, will seem longer. There are a lot of things to do before we leave. There is a lot of packing. It seems like we take everything but the "kitchen sink". It is difficult to stay in the "present moment" though when I am packing for something that is going to happen next week. Also, I know that I don't do change very well. We have been here for three months which is a long time and I am settled in. I have my AA groups I go to, my church and friends. I am an artist and have joined a professional organization here and have been accepted in a gallery here. I have put roots down in the community.

How can I work my program in this situation? I am powerless over time passing. I will be grateful for the wonderful time I have had here and I will "feel" the emotions I am experiencing regarding my leaving and I will get back to living one daty at a time.

Now, it's not like I don't have a wonderful life back in Milwaukee for I do. My grandchildren are all there as our my children. I have very close relationships with all of them and I really do look forward to seeing them. I have friends there and my AA group(s) is there. From keeping in touch with them I know that they are all looking forward to my coming back. My artist friends are there and my church is there. So, I have a lot going there as well.

The Casita I have rented here is very nice but my home back in Milwaukee is much larger and it is nicer. My studio is there and I really look forward to getting back to it for I am painting in a corner of the dining area here. The two things I really miss here (give a drum role!) are my icemaker and my garbage disposal. I will never take them for granted again. Especially the garbage disposal, haha!

We will get back to Milwaukee the middle of April and, hopefully, it should start getting nice by then. I look forward to buying my traditional pot of Pansy's to put on my patio to and start planning what flowers I will plant in the many flower pots I have (I container garden.)

Even after the many years I have been sober, at times, I still have difficulty accepting life on life's terms but, now that I have written this I feel better about everything (I always do!). And, I know I will be back to Arizona next year.

We're more alike than we are different

My wife and I (also a member of AA) recently had the good fortune to spend some time visiting America's Southwest again - kind of like a winter getaway.
We were hosted by friends who lavished us with good food, good times, all kinds of day-trips, and lots and lots of love.

We also attended a lot of meetings. You know how the saying goes, "Meeting Makers make it!" I love going to meetings, especially when I'm away from home.
Initially, I was again struck by the roughness of the language that was being used, in fact I was somewhat appalled. This comment should be amusing to those who know me from "when"
because there was a time I prided myself on my ability to turn a perfectly good phrase totally blue, and revel in the discomfort of those around me. Today it's different.
In any case, I resisted the temptation to chastise those around me, and instead tried to concentrate on the positives, to identify and not compare. And lo and behold I once again came away seeing how we in AA are all more alike than we are different.
How we follow the same 12 steps. How we believe in a God as we understand him. How we strive on a daily basis to stay sober. How we show compassion and love to the newcomer who so desperately needs our help.

Perhaps looking at the desert landscape helped me. At first glance everything appears monochromatic, barren, harsh. However spending even just a short time experiencing the desert - walking around, observing, smelling - one sees the beauty of God's handiwork there in the flora and fauna just bursting with life and color! And yes, I even saw blue.

Happy Valley

Happy Valley Falls has been a favorite day trip for me for several years. I hope to hike to it at least once this spring, before the hot weather sets in. It's located on a country dirt road a few miles from Benson, Arizona.

Now then, my garden is generally doing great, except for the beautiful potato plants that have clusters of buds that have just been sitting there for nearly two weeks; they're not opening. Hmmm....

How come when something like that happens to my plans, I at first try to find the "reason" and fix it, but fairly quickly turn it over as another life mystery, hoping for what I want, but not losing any sleep, because I can't control the situation. If I could react this serenely to the things that happen to ME on a fairly regular basis, I'd be "in the catbird's seat" instead of wasting precious time fretting. The sun did exactly what I wanted it to today, without any help from me. Nice, eh?

"Came To Believe"

This is my third try at getting this blog posted. I don't know what I did but both previous ones are lost somewhere in cyberspace. With a touch of my finger they was gone. But I have patience so am trying again.
At two of the meetings I have gone to this week the subject was "Came To Believe". It brought back memories of my own spiritual awakening. When new in recovery I did know that God was my only hope to restore me to sanity. I knew I couldn't do it. I worked the third step over and over but it seemed like nothing happened. My mind was whirling obsessively with thoughts that didn't seem to stop. I think that I didn't realize that my spiritual experience had happened because I was unable to quiet myself enough to be open to God coming into my life. So many AA's have dramatic experiences and I longed to have one, too. But, my spiritual awaking was loving, gentle and quiet. Once I recognized that God was in my life it totally changed. I saw Him everywhere at every turn of my life. Today I have a close relationship with God. I see His presence in my day to day life. I found that my relationship with God is one that I need to build just like any relationship I have with people in my life. I seek to know Him better through prayer, meditation, talking with others who are on the same journey and reading. Today, I see and experience Him daily in my life. Instead of believing in "Coincidences" I believe in "God-incidences". This new attitude really helped me to see He is activily working in my life. My life today is rich in love, peace and joy!

"Ism"

Today I had the courage to step on the scale. I wasn't surprised. I knew I had gained weight while here in Arizona. Now, what does this have to do with Alcoholism? It does because even though I am not drinking I still am an Alcoholic. The "ism" is still in my life. It is with me 24-7. In this situation it reared it's ugly head and after weighing myself I started beating myself up and being angry with myself. This is nonproductive! In sobriety I learned to be a responsible person. This includes my body. When I was drinking I abused it with alcohol. Today I try to take care of it. This includes eatting healthfully, exercising, getting physicals when I am supposed to and going to the dentist, etc. I think I left the first two back in Milwaukee. I honestly appraised the situation and I don't think I am using food as a drug. I think it is simply that because we eat out here more than at home in Milwaukee and the fact that there is just too much good food here. Now, what do I do about this? I still am not sure. Well, I do know . . . eat less. It really is simple but as an Alcoholic I am complicating the whole thing making it insurmountable in my mind. Also, I guess I am not ready to commit to it yet. So, for a starter I am praying that I will become "willing" to commit to a "diet". I will also work the program with this admitting I am powerless and that my life is unmanageable. I will focus on believing that a power greater than myselt, whom I choose to call God, will restore me to sanity. And, I will turn this problem over to the care of God. In the mean time I will love myself and accept life on life's terms. I am thankful that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a " program for living" and that, in addition to my Alcoholism, is there for me to use for all the challenges I face in my life.

Stress, Anxiety And "Stinking Thinking"

I went to my meeting last night and talked about this subject and felt better about it all by the time I left the meeting. As the saying goes "You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.". But, here it is morning and the same stress and anxiety is back.
I am an artist, a gift I never developed when I was drinking. I was such a perfectionist that I wouldn't do "anything" because I knew I couldn't do it "perfectly". I can no longer measure my success by the standards of the world. Today, I am a success because I am doing whatever it is. I have become "effort oriented and not "results oriented". My perfectionism when I was drinking was crippling but because of the Program I, today, can do things. I have had some success in my career as an artist. I have sold enough paintings to cover my expenses . . . some years. (They don't call us starving artist's for nothing.)
Today, I am getting paintings ready to ship to a gallery in Wisconsin where I live and am waiting news of my being accepted (or not) into a gallery here in Tucson. It is the first time in my career as an artist that I have had two things going simultaneously.
Now, you might ask why I am blogging about this? Because I am anxious about both situations and my negative thinking is driving me nuts! Will the gallery in Wisconsin like my paintings? Will I get accepted into the gallery here in Tucson? What if they don't? What if I don't get accepted? And, round and round and round my thoughts go. I think it is what we call "stinking thinking"! I am also walking around saying the slogans . . . "Let go and let God!" and the Promises: "We will soon realize God is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves." and "We will do the next right thing and leave the outcome to God." and, "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us." And, I am talking about it with you. I feel like a war is going on in my head. Right now the "stinking thinking" is winning. But, I will keep doing what I am doing because I know the Program works.
The program of Alcoholics Anonymous, in addition to keeping me sober, is a program for living. In it are all the solutions to whatever problems and challenges I might encounter in life. Right now I am saying to myself that this what I must do is . . . apply the 12 Steps to these situations. 1. "Admit I am powerless over whether I get into the gallery here in Tucson and I am powerless over whether the gallery in Wisconsin actually likes my paintings once they see them in person. 2. "Came to believe that a power greater than myself will restore me to sanity (right thinking and anxiety-free.)". and 3. "Make a decision to turn my life (and art) over to the care of God as I understand Him."
I am also saying the "Serenity Prayer" over and over. " . . . accept the things I cannot change." I can't control either of these situations " . . . courage to change the things I can." The bottom line is my attitude. And, " . . . the wisdom to know the difference."
I think, or should say I know, what I am suffering from is fear and insecurity. I need to focus on the "present moment" and take it "One day at a time." Things will turn out. Maybe not the way I want but the way they are supposed to be.
There, thanks for helping me feel better about these situations and I will let you know what happens.

Passport to Happiness

A cliche, but I want to talk about getting my passport and how daily use of the AA program is essential to my well-being.

This story involves TWO birth certificates, the one published on my birth day, inhospital, and the one I just bought from the state of Minnesota health department.

The original certificate is in mint condition; I confidently took it with my pix and application and $ to my appointed meeting at the post office two weeks ago; I was totally prepared. The pleasant postal worker opened my folder, took a glance at the birth certificate and kind of moaned, "Oh, I should have warned you, hospital birth certificates can't be used to get passports; you need a certified certificate from the state of your birth." My response could never be described as a mere moan. I was way beyond surprised; I went immediately into incensed and, with pulse rising, responded, "If this one isn't any good, why have I been taking such care of it all these years?" Employee said, "You sure have taken good care of it, and those little footprints are still perfect." I was in no mood for his gentle kindness, and barely got out of his office without having to do a tenth step on the spot.

On the way home, I steamed for a mile or so, declaring I just wouldn't get a passport. I don't have anywhere to go that requires one now, anyway. And...then...fairly shortly...I began returning to sanity (the steps have helped me learn to do this). I called the Minnesota office, was forthright and pleasant, was told it would take 4-6 weeks to process my request, and readily paid $45 extra to get the paperwork expedited, not caring that I have no travel plans, but wanting to get this over with. Then, I fairly calmly went on with my life.

Only four days later, a fellow worker brought me a packet from Fed Ex, saying I was probably going to get upset when I saw it. It was an overnite express delivery from Minn; it was soggy wet and crinkled. I pulled out the "official" birth certificate, breathed deeply, sighed, ironed it and took it to the post office, where it was welcomed with open arms. It didn't look nearly as nice as my pristine hospital one with blue ink foot prints, but it was what the authorities wanted.

Even if I never get to travel where my passport is required, I have already used it to move from an exhausting paddling upstream trip to a serene cruise with the current. Owlclover like this pictured doesn't require a passport to see if one is a US citizen. It grows in the ditches on the highway to Kitt Peak in "good wildflower springs."

Prioritizing

(3/18/84)
"Thank you for confiding in me about your bad time. I feel like you allow me to see the whole person who is you. I know I can't take any of it away, but I also know, when I had troubles, talking to you helped to put them in perspective. Once I was able to identify all of the problems, resentments, or fears and label them properly, then I could look them dead in the eye and they diminished in size. I found when I got into one of those nagging, rotten times, If I listed (actually wrote down) all of the things bothering me, then prioritized them starting with the most critical, it helped me to see what I needed to deal with first. The other things could wait.

When you said you felt nothing, I understood how that was. Sometimes when I jam my circuits with too much, I get immobilized. It seems to be my rational brain saying, "Wait a minute!" (That is new since being in The [AA] Program. Previously I would scramble in fourty directions botching everything.) Sometimes it lasts for longer that others, but once I get straight in my head what I have to do first, it all falls into place. I am not saying that all goes necessarily to my liking, but it does proceed without panic. It is the panic I can't handle."
from HOOT 'N GIN pg. 157

How Does My Garden Grow?

When I was going to AA meetings, often, but still drinking inbetween, I would occasionally look around the rooms and kind of imagine what it would be like to be sober. Of course, being a daily drinker, fantasy sobriety was the best I could experience. In young sobriety, I would ponder,"What's my responsibility in my recovery, versus what do I have to let a higher power do?" I brainstormed a lot (storms were basically all my brain contained back then).

This week, while thrilling to the fun of "watching up" my winter garden, I not only saw true leaves emerging on carrots and radishes, but I received a moment of clarity, too. For about six years, I haven't had a garden. More than once, I have tilled the soil and imagined the various rows of winter vegies waiting for me to visit and munch down on the spot. But, again, fantasy gardening was what I had.

Now, god and I have actually planted a garden. This experience is one of the reasons I keep as close to the meetings, program and fellowship as possible. Without participating, I could only imagine sobriety and new potatoes.

The Spotting Scope

Recently, a kind friend loaned us a spotting scope, I believe partly to keep me occupied while my shoulder was healing from surgery. Michael set the tripod where we could view the Catalina Mountains. The very first time I looked in the viewfinder, a fledgling Cooper’s hawk awkwardly landed on a neighbor’s roof directly in the scope’s sight. Each feather, each bar on his chest, his talons, all were clearly visible as he teetered and hungrily eyed the doves and quails at our feeder. I was instantly captivated and a few days later when my son invited us to go on a hike around Parker Canyon Lake, I asked if we should bring the scope. He happily agreed as he’s recently developed an interest in bird watching.

It is a cool day, perfect for a walk. Right off we take turns viewing the many kinds of waterfowl through the scope and binoculars. Michael’s lot is to carry the scope on the tripod, as my arm is rendered useless by doctor’s orders for assisted movement only. We meander along exclaiming, “Look, it’s got red eyes”; “Could that one be a plover; see how long his legs are?” and “Darn, I can’t find this duck in the book.”

Michael’s tells this part best:
I am not a “birder”, but I do like birds. I have several feeders around the house both in Cleveland and in Tucson, and I feed them every day despite Virginia’s chiding. I think birders are an altogether committed lot, admirable in their dedication to seeing and identifying every feathered creature on planet Earth. I admire their focus and determination, but I find them very amusing. I especially like the way they travel in groups and tend to set up their equipment or move it, in unison, the way birds flock then fly at some undetectable que. And the hats they wear! That said, here I am marching along the shore of the lake with Virginia and her son, a birder, complete with equipment, hat and books, pointing and identifying like a pro. Then comes the glitch. Bird books. If you have ever looked for them in bookstores they proliferate faster than they can be put on the shelves. An anonymous bird cannot possibly exist; yet try to identify one in the field by looking in a bird book. Scrutinize the bird in the scope, memorize it’s every marking and habit, quick, look through the color coded book—think, think, riffle, riffle, search, “Nope, not that one…. nor that.” Another book. “This bird doesn’t exist!”

The day slips away and suddenly the terrain gets steeper. Happily absorbed, we suddenly realize that a couple of hidden inlets we had walked around made what originally seemed a reasonable walk around the lake into what was swiftly becoming a daunting trek with still more hidden inlets now visible. My arm, newly out of a sling, begins to complain mightily. My son has a worried look when a side trail that promises an access road peters out on a rocky outcrop. We retrace our path and decide to go back the way we had come. Michael hails a friendly young man fishing on the bank who had waved to us when we first passed. “How far is it back to the boathouse?” He said it was about three miles, but the access road up the hill was shorter. He might have heard a note of desperation in Michael’s voice, because he said, “I’m through fishing for the day and I was just going up to my truck. Why don’t you follow me and I’ll give you a lift. The gifts of a sober life: a trusting friend wanting to loan an expensive piece of equipment, sharing an adventure with loved ones, and a stranger doing a kind deed. In the drinking days, seldom was an adventure not ruined by alcohol, was a friend without a selfish motive, or a stranger without guile. Certainly never would they have converged in the round scope of a single day.

Reacting with Fear

Through most of my sober years, I have been able to meet life on life's terms well enough to experience many of the gifts AA has to offer. The past several months, however, I have been struggling. The saying, "It's not what happens to us in life that matters, it's how we react" is kind of ringing in my ears. I am reacting with fear much more so than usual. Of course, I think no one else can possibly understand. Some experience, strength and hope, please.

Staying Teachable

Since I moved to this area twelve years ago I have been regularly attending a Step Meeting on Monday nights.
About 7 months ago, the Group that hosts this meeting asked me if I would take the six month commitment as Treasurer. I was quick to point out that I was not a Group Member, and that I thought the position would best be filled by one of their members. I was rather surprised when they said "we don't care what you think, will you do it?
I remembered back to when I was new and full of ideas & thoughts, and eager to share them with others. One day my then sponsor Frank said to me, " what we do is what counts, not what we think, and besides most of our ideas are "old ideas". And holding onto old ideas gives us old results. So stop talking, and start doing!"
With that memory, and knowing from experience that this was a Traditions based group, I accepted.
I fulfilled that commitment, and two weeks ago was 'rotated' into a six month commitment as Secretary.
I have to say that I am thoroughly enjoying this experience. It has reinforced my understanding of how our experiences can benefit others, and theirs can benefit us. It has given me new insight into the practice of steps 10 & 11, as well as AA's three legacies. By practicing UNITY with other groups through SERVICE to them, we can help strengthen our own RECOVERY.

Losses in Life

My Mother-in-law passed away early this morning. She was 91 and lived a good long life. Dad, who never quite drinking, passed away five years ago. Even though there were many family issues relating to Alcoholism I am thankful that with Gods help we were able to let go of them. Our sobriety was never spoken of or accepted even after 30+ years. It just wasn't talked about. My husband with my support chose what kind of son he wanted to be and had that relationship with them. Somehow when you are proactive rather than reactive you are no longer a victim. We are thankful for the relatively good relationship we had with them over these many years and extremely thankful that we had the maturity that only the 12 Steps can give. This program is truly a program for living. It is always there for us to turn to in all our life challenges.

One Day At A Time

I am so thankful for the AA program and the 12 steps. It was difficult to me to live one-day-a time when I first came to the program. And, at times, I still have difficulty with it. Even after 34 years. Today, I am able to live in the present moment enough that I have peace and serenity in my life. But, there is the temptation to look back at the past and worry about the future. Especially in stressful times when my emotional balance is off. But, then I remember that the God of my understanding is in the present moment and if I stay there He will be with me and I "will soon realize God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself."

Welcome to our Blog

Welcome to our blog! During the writing of our recently published book, Hoot 'n Gin, a memoir composed of letters we wrote to each other in the heat of the first five years of our recovery from alcoholism, we realized after we pared the tome down from 750 pages to a more manageable 300 or so, that we had to cut out some great stuff that the world was probably dying to read. More importantly, in our research for publication we found that there still is a lot of unnecessary misunderstanding about Alcoholics Anonymous, and even suspicion about its mystique, which the program may call upon itself by its policy of anonymity and refusal to advertize, believing in a policy of attraction rather than promotion. We hope by various museings on how AA and the Twelve Steps continues to be meaningful through nearly 3 decades of our recovery, and by inviting friends in the program to add their own experiences that we may dispell some of that suspicion and encourage a renewed look at a program that continues to offer longterm sobriety to millions worldwide.


THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR:

1. Anyone who wants to hear more about our book, HOOT 'N GIN.
2. Longtime members of AA who would like to share how the program remains pertenant.
3. AA members who have been around long enough to share some hope.
4. New members of AA who are still hurting but have begun to find some hope.
5. Those who have been sent to AA and wonder how it can possibly help them.
6. People working with alcoholics, possibly sending them to AA, yet wondering what's up?
7. Family members who really have questions.

It is a place to muse, ask questions of AA members, and to share experiences. We are not here to diagnose, only to share how it was for us.